The last few days I've had interesting experiences, yet I have not written about them. Which is strange, I love describing my discomfort because it is charting unknown territory.

The reason why I hesitate to describe them is because they are sexual in nature, and the struggles I go through are perhaps more adequate for someone twenty years younger than I am.

I feel I'm retracing my footsteps, I'm "starting anew" because what I knew about attraction, sex and all those fun things was tainted with trauma and thus I was very passive man because I was afraid of my own sexual energy. This time around I am more proactive yet I'm still hesitant.

I went to dance to the pool party place where the bacchanal took place. This time around I deliberately didn't get drunk. It didn't make much of a difference, but I was more aware of what was going on inside and around me.

I left the place incredibly lustful and sober. I wanted to go to a strip club. I reasoned that if I was sober then this was a good idea. It wasn't, lust is a form of intoxication (for good and bad), and when you are in the position to exchange money for satisfying your lust, you will spend unreasonable amounts of money, and that's exactly what happened.

The next day I didn't have an alcohol hangover, but I did have a financial one. And it didn't "feel" right the next day. Imagine I went with a friend and my friend paid the bill. My sensation the next day would still be the same because it's not real, you are paying a girl to dance with (on top) of you, in spiritual terms it is not a sexual energy exchange but a financial one.

I used to love to go to strip clubs. Behind this enthusiasm was trauma, an unspoken belief that your sexual energy is a net loss for the other person and thus has to be compensated in some way. With strippers you compensate with money, with other women you compensate with being "too nice".

In performing this costly lesson I discover that what I'm thirsting for is not my sexual satisfaction, but something deeper. I'm not speaking about romance (I'm somewhat opposed to it at this stage), what I want is fiery, authentic and shared. Mutual passion and lust. My female best friend insists this can only happen in a relationship, because a woman will only give herself to a man whom she can trust.

I think there is some truth in this. In drunkardness we can lower our inhibitions and give ourselves to passion, but the awareness and presence are not there, drunk sex is often enthusiastic but not good sex.

The day before yesterday we celebrated the birthday of said female best friend. A lesbian friend of hers attended her celebration at a restaurant. We were just four people: my friend, her husband, this girl and myself. We drank a lot. We went back home and continued there. I walked their friend to the taxi stop. On the way there we started making out passionately. She begged me to "put my cock in her". Despite my drunkardness I told her it wasn't a good idea. She tried every play in the playbook: she begged, she questioned my masculinity, she tried unbuttoning my pants, etc.

I told her she was super hot and she was lighting my fire and I was all willing to have sex with her, but she would have to message me the next day when she was sober to confirm it was a good idea.

There was no message the next day, and I still knew I did right.