Victoria Hall Community Centre, Westmount
Yesterday my server crashed, and I was unable to bring it back online. I looked into archive.org to see if this site was backed up. It wasn't. I felt a certain relief: perhaps it means that none of this was meant to be published. It's just me trying to make sense of my situation. It would have been cowardly of me to take everything I've written down, but now that it's gone, I'm glad.
But still, I contacted Digital Ocean's support, and they walked me through a hard reset, which brought things back online.
What does this mean now? That these thoughts are just me trying to find meaning in random events? We seem to find patterns and images where there are splotches or stains. Do constellations exist, or are they just stars grouped by visual proximity? In practical terms: is the meaning that I'm currently finding in my life situation "unreal"?
The question of "what is real" is truly vexing. I wish I had a good answer to it. For the time being, I will continue explaining things to myself, because it helps me make sense of what I'm going through.
It feels like you are thrown into the ocean. Disoriented, you don't know which way is up or down, you thrash about for a bit, not finding the surface. There's still air in your lungs. Stay still, sense the direction where you are floating.
The way out of this is subtle. It is experienced as intuition rather than logic. Explanations are not useless, but they are also not real. Clear the mind of its ceaseless chatter to that you can listen to the whispers.
It is time to get my grandmother out of bed.