I always have a brief but intense depressive episode when I come back home. I could blame it on many facts, but I honestly feel that if I changed the facts, I would still be depressed. I feel as if there was an involution because people and places tend to trigger reactions that were developed in a state of ignorance. You might speak harshly to your mother for her to comply on something you want done, you might be sarcastic and roll your eyes when your sister makes a "stupid" comment.

But I don't fight against the depression anymore, I allow myself to burn down to ashes--I overindulge in sleeping and vice until I am tired of it. I become prickly to other people until I become prickly to myself. As the Tao Te Ching says: "The sage is not sick because he is sick of sickness. Therefore he is not sick."

A couple of days ago I watched "La ley de Herodes" with my mother. The movie illustrates very skillfully how a "normal" person with good intentions can become twisted by the system itself if the system is twisted. As I watched the movie, I considered the alternatives of the main character (a newly appointed major in a small town) when he was offered money to keep the brothel open. Closing the establishment means acquiring enemies and denying oneself much needed money but would be good for the town, while keeping it open does the opposite: it's bad for you, but good for the town.

The reason why the movie relates to my mini-depression is that I too mold to the pattern of least resistance, and in the case of coming back home, it takes me back to my younger years when I was moody and withdrawn. In order to escape from it I indulge in it in full until I am tired of it. From there, a new pattern will emerge.