Last night I had dinner with K and S, two sisters who were very close to my grandparents and considered each other family. I feel a special complicity with them, surely because nobody really understands how difficult it was to be a family member to my grandmother in her later years. We had a good time and finished at around 11:00pm.

I was tired and inside I felt contradicting forces pulling me stay and pushing me to go dancing. Finally I decided to go, but I smoked a joint on my way to alleviate my indisposition. Smoking sometimes takes me completely out of presence and into the world of thought and imagination, and this was the case today.

I wasn't really there, on the bike. I was thinking about Christine, about K and S, about things I left unsaid during dinner. I biked past my destination by a long shot, tried to come back through a different street but it was closed, I had to detour and then I got disoriented.

No biggie, you pull out your phone and you see where you're at and where you need to be. OK, three blocks ahead, turn right, then ahead four blocks. You become lost in thought again and miss the first turn. Argh, it might be because I'm on a bike. Get off the bike. Walk. Wonder: if I'm getting lost and having difficulty reaching the club, may that mean that I'm not supposed to go there today? Nah.

But the feeling keeps nagging me. If I'm not supposed to go there, where am I supposed to be? Should I go back home to sleep? I'm confused and getting lost, that happens when I'm very tired and I have smoked. But it's strange, because my body is all eager and springy, but my mind is lethargic, dull and confused. I was getting lost even walking (construction work didn't help, but it would have been easy to navigate sober).

After about 40 minutes of this I finally had the club in sight. I thought again "what if I'm not supposed to go" and then again "nah just fake intuitions" and then I felt as if someone reached their hand inside of my flesh and turned me around by twisting my column.

That felt like an undeniable sign to not go in, so I retraced my steps to the nearest bixi station and jumped on a bike. "If my daemon doesn't want me to go to the club tonight, it will tell me where to go" and I started biking without a destination.

I biked around the city which was pretty crowded because of F1 Montreal. After a while I inspected myself: how do I feel about going to the club? And the answer was "fine". This time I had no intuitions about it, but the bouncer told me they were closing early today, I just had 15 minutes to dance. So that's what I did.

After all these years I'm still trying to understand intuition. I increasingly rely on it instead of mentation, but they still struggle against each other. To me, intuition is thinking with your body, mentation is thinking with your mind.

Whatever you consume (alcohol, weed, other drugs) that influence your emotions put your intuition out of whack. Should you wake up in the middle of the night and feel that you need to call someone, you should probably do it. Stumbling drunk out of a bar in the middle of the night feeling like you should call someone... probably not.

My conclusion from the night is simple: I lost a chance to dance because I listened to my intuition when it was out of tune. But it's fine, because the main course for me last night was dinner, not dancing.