I will try to draw the three most important insights of each night. Finding insight helps me understand better this world that I just entered.
Yesterday I went to a calisthenics class before dancing. At class there was a Mexican guy with whom I had taken one class a year before. After class I invited him to come with me to the concerts. He asked who was coming. Just you and me I said, I was going alone. "Oh, ok, yes I'll go".
He didn't dance and this made me self-conscious to a degree, making me slightly uncomfortable dancing. I didn't hate on him for I've been that guy all my life, but I questioned if I should have invited him. Perhaps I like being alone in these quests. But then I thought: if I can't dance when I come with someone, whose fault is it? his or yours? Then I understood this was another challenge, not an impediment in dancing and I could loosen up.
At calisthenics class yesterday I noticed my core strength has greatly improved with all the dancing. I will be able to do a press handstand very soon, which has been a goal of mine since three years ago. I had partially accepted the fact that I would never reach it given my age.
But, as often happens in life, when you pursue a goal directly you set yourself up for either a grueling quest or you never reach it. When you climb mountains you don't head in a straight line, it's just too difficult, you crisscross the mountain so that the slope is reasonable.
By doing a segue way into dancing I am very close to reaching that summit.
Yesterday just after arriving to the night club I said hello to an older man whom I had seen in previous days. He didn't recognize me and was already drunk. He went to introduce me to someone he had just met.
The man was around my age, well groomed and very charming. He touched my arm and said I was very cute. I said thank you, I wish more women told me that. He asked me what I was doing here in Montreal. I sighed and said I wasn't interested in talking about that, I was there to dance. "Who are you with?" he asked as he touched my arm. "I'm alone", I replied. "Well, today you are with us". "Thanks, I really appreciate it but I came here alone because I like it that way".
Rather than playing games I was straightforward: "Look, you are a very charming and handsome man, but I love women. I wouldn't have a problem dancing with you in a while, if you'd like bye".
Then I danced away. He never showed up for that dance I offered, and instead observed me at a distance. When I had to go to the bathroom we crossed paths and he commended my dancing as he reached to grope me, but my hand was in the way (fortunately), he tried again and I pushed his arm away and kept on walking to the bathroom. When I came back he was gone.
I feel more sympathetic towards women. I can't imagine the pestering I'd be subject to if I were a single woman alone wanting to learn to dance, especially in such an explicit way. Something we have to learn as men is to master our sexual impulses, to allow them to arise at the right moment in the right amount. It's not that we should conceal desire, but we should eliminate our "desire to possess" we are not content with appreciating beauty, it has to be ours, at this moment, and we don't care about being corresponded in desire.
Last night was finally meh. I say finally because I was waiting for my dancing fever to come down. A pendulum will swing to one side and then the other, so after years of not dancing, I've been dancing every day 5 to 8 hours (not counting dancing at home). The pendulum will stabilize over time, and I will have a healthy relationship with dancing (at this rate I'll blow my knees soon).
Still, I want to dance tonight.