It's been a while since I wrote my last log. I find myself thinking "I should write", but then I've gotten so used to my circumstance that I don't know what to write about.

I signed up to the Gym at Concordia University. It's further away than the YMCA, but I wanted to escape a bit out of Westmount and go into downtown, now that it's spring. It takes 15 minutes to get there and other 15 to get back, which would seem a menial amount if it were not because I have to hide this fact from my grandmother. I squeeze a visit on my daily errands to the grocery store, the pharmacy, etc.

One would think it is easier to come clean, to say "grandma, I need to go to the gym every day to stay sane in the mind and in the body", and I tested the water by telling her visited it. She intuited where the conversation was going and preemptively shut it down. I was indifferent, there is an abject absence of reason in dementia, the news is experienced emotionally as abandonment, then there will be reproaches "do whatever you want, I don't care" she will say as she waves her hand, and I will say "Yes, I will do what I want", and then she would continue arguing. There is no point in this.

Instead, what I've done, is that I've progressively added time to my daily outings, where in the beginning I used to come back as quickly as possible, I then experienced a certain pleasure in taking my time loitering in the grocery store, then when I signed up to the YMCA which is around the corner, I'd have a quick workout and then run the errands quickly. This didn't happen as a plan, it happened because I needed it. Nowadays, I leave the apartment around two hours and I have a nice bike ride, a workout, and I run the errands.

My day to day experience is OK. The relationship has improved. I have more patience, she is less hostile. We laugh more. But, I've observed, I write less when things are OK. It is easier to write when things are miserable, or things are inspiring. Still, I'm grateful that things are OK. I was despairing in the beginning, but I'm glad I did not leave (and I couldn't even if I wanted to), because I know I would have carried psychological debt with me. By staying here I am resolving it. My previous experience already feels like a nightmare drifting into the past, and even though current reality is not pleasant, I appreciate and I'm grateful for the improvement.