I'm laying down on the bed after having smoked a joint. After putting my grandmother to bed, there is no harm in this. I've come to understand it as "putting myself a movie to relax", the images one sees while in an altered state emerge and they are let go just as they come.
I was deciding wether to attend a Jazz Festival just 10 minutes biking or write my work log, I decided for the latter in order to understand why is it that I feel some resistance to attending. At its worst, I'd be kinda paranoid but well put together, just a stiff among the swaying jazz tribe. At the best, I may feel the vibe and let myself flow with what I feel.
My grandmother is coughing, she caught it a week ago. Smoking so much is not helping, but I understand why one cannot stop. I will eventually quit smoking myself, I will quit again--and hopefully forever--once I am free of my duties. I understand why I smoke and when to quit. For now, I must stay a while to make sure the cough does not get worse.
I shall then write until 11:00 and decide what to do, that's 25 minutes from now.
Let us continue inspecting into this resistance to attend the Jazz Festival. I'm exhausted, drained, I need alone time with my thoughts, why take them out to the street? I'll just be lost in thought, better be lost in thought at home than roaming the streets among the crowds, and frankly I'm quite comfortable here writing in bed, enjoying the vibe of silence, because it means my grandmother is sleeping well, and I'm recharging my battery by writing this.
Because writing should never be a duty, it becomes necessary to write, and I've been writing in my journal during the mornings, but nothing inspiring comes up. I seem to have numbed myself in order to deal with the situation, is this true? No, the ego has been pruned so that when a rock is thrown it is less likely to hit a branch. I'm also more capable of holding calm in the face of rage, and that my own emotional state is deeply tied with my body, I can calm myself by breathing deeply.
It is when I calm myself that I can best perform my job here. There are a million little details that drive my grandmother crazy, but if you understand the principle behind these details, you can anticipate problems before they happen.
Quite frankly, today I'm relaxing into a state of slumber. I'm tired. But tomorrow I will be too if I do the same thing. I must not smoke in the balcony if it is not intended for getting into bed. Notice taken.
I'm dozing off, I should log off and "watch the movie".