Sometimes a thought occupies my mind for a long time but I don't write about it because I know it's vain, stupid, or embarrassing. Today I'll do it anyways, in full knowledge that it's... immature? irrelevant? I don't know. Writing helps me flush out thoughts, or sometimes notice things I wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
I have a yoga teacher at my new studio who is around my age. He's a "silver fox", a handsome graying man with a deep voice and enunciates like a pro. But there's something in his demeanor that tells me he's an insecure person despite concealing it very well, perhaps his looks and forms of expression are there precisely to compensate his insecurity.
I like the teacher. We have about the same level of practice when averaged out (he's better than me at some things and I'm better than him at others). However, I don't think he likes me, or feels threatened by me, because almost every class he will take a stab at my practice, e.g. today I landed not as softly as usual from a handstand and he asked if I had hurt myself. I had to chuckle, it was impossible that I could have hurt myself with that movement. Other examples are commenting asymmetries or underdeveloped parts of my body without offering advice.
It's strange because, despite having an advanced practice, I don't identify myself the practice at all, these remarks pass as if he was commenting the weather, but I notice he's taking stabs for no good reason. Teachers generally like me because I follow instructions and put in a good effort every day, but I think this teacher feels threatened in his "silver fox" position.
He gives a bit more attention to the most attractive students, but not in a way that would cause alarm. I might be reading my own intentions and desires in his actions, if I were a yoga teacher I would probably do the same, not in a deliberate way but I'd be more mindful of beautiful female students, I gotta admit that.
There's a beautiful lady with a great practice in our age range who usually practices in the back. By the amount of attention he dedicates to her, I'd say the teacher has a crush on her. It's inordinate that the teacher would correct or guide an advanced practitioner so much, especially if they are in the back.
Today I spoke with the lady for the first time. I was putting on my shoes before leaving the studio, and she said to me "Your practice is really beautiful", I grinned wide and said "thank you very much, yours is great too" and she added "I like looking from the back and see what you're doing" and I didn't answer that, I just looked at her with a grin on my face. The reception area is tiny and the teacher was sitting at the desk. He obviously heard our interaction and I looked at him. He was sullen.
I've spent the rest of the day smiling about the compliments, and at the same time feeling for the teacher. To me, the sensation like when your friend's crush is into you: you like that she likes you but you don't like that your friend is having a bad time about it (us men tend to read too much into the attention women give us, and other people, I know she likes my practice but I don't know if she likes me).
I just hope the teacher doesn't stab me for real next week.