It is 3am and I was awaken by my grandmother roaming in the kitchen looking for something to eat because she was hungry. I served her a glass of milk and some cookies. I went into her room and emptied her commode.
Two days ago I went to the gym early in the morning, and came back to my grandmother roaming in the kitchen too, only this time she had attempted to prepare herself coffee and made a mess in the kitchen. She turned on the wrong fires and ruined coffee, but other than that I was lucky not to have an accident on my hands.
I'm putting 110% of my waking hours into my grandmother now--that is, my entire day and part of my night is dedicated to her. My dedication is met with not a word of gratefulness, on the contrary, I constantly disappoint my grandmother.
As I observe my thoughts in meditation, I see there is no recrimination against my grandmother anymore. There are no longer any fantasies of violence against her. I do wish sometimes that she would have a heart attack.
My thoughts revolve on how I was foolish enough to embark on this quest, taking care of a person who I knew had aged into vinegar, expecting to transmute her into wine. Then I have an argument with myself that this quest is not over yet, that the meaning of this quest will be revealed in time, that perhaps the answer is quite simple: I did this to appreciate everything I took for granted.
Some days ago I spoke with my sister on the phone. With tears in my eyes--not of sadness--they were simply tears that came from speaking from the heart, I told her that I missed her and my mom for the first time in my life. I am indeed a self-absorbed person who has always claimed self-sufficiency. Well, now I know this is patently not true.
Years ago, during vacations, I stayed at my sister's place for two weeks (my mother also lives there) . The family dynamics left me exhausted and depressed, as often happens during holidays with the family. Well, today I feel like I'd be the happiest person living with my mother and sister. They are angels, and I'm glad to realize this in my lifetime.
I even fantasize about getting a job, getting back into the machine, if I have to put up with a sick mind that is sucking away my soul, I could at least be paid good money for it. No boss has been as demanding and as demeaning as my grandmother.
I'm writing completely off the cuff about the thoughts that I have observed in my own mind. It's utterly strange because I have mostly disconnected feeling with my grandmother, but I feel tremendously emotional with myself and with my friends. It is as if--by knowing the degrees at which darkness can exist--suddenly you realize that you've lead a life of utter lightness, you complained that your life was dull but seeing back it was dull because it was missing the contrasting opposite, there is such a thing as a life too dull because it has too many good things.
I'm experiencing this period with deliberate abstinence. I used to have a glass of wine with my grandmother at dinner, but then I'd dip in a little bit more until I was "happy", and then felt I'd soon need a lot of wine to reach my "happy" state, so I left it at that. Even though weed is legal here, I'm not touching that either. As I see my grandmother furiously puffing her cigarettes out of her self-induced stress, I've also found a distaste for it, and will finish what I have and make an attempt at quitting. I brought patches from Mexico, because I knew this moment would arrive, cigarettes are too expensive here.
I wonder why I'm choosing not to take the edge off of this. What the spirit is cooking up, I don't know. if I'm choosing to experience it in its full intensity, it must be because there is a more profound wisdom than simple despair.
And there is my mind, going in circles again, trying to grasp at the deeper meaning of this misery. Perhaps I was just a fool to do this. Oops, there we go again thought came back right where it begun.
I will try go back to sleep now.