Walked: 27.3 Km
Too much navel gazing, but it is necessary to process it. I hope writing this will simply get it out of the way.
About two weeks ago I perceived I wanted to work, but this camino is too crowded to find the solitude necessary for it. I arranged things so that I could go back to Madrid mid-August. I had a bit of bad taste leaving the camino without arriving to Santiago, and I was seeking confirmation from the inner and outer world that this was the right decision. From the outer world, at Güemes Father Ernesto clearly pointed out that the true arrows don't always point to Santiago, and from the inner world the confirmation came yesterday in a dream:
I was in therapy, and I was explaining my therapist the details of the issues I was working through. I paused, I took a deep breath, and said "you know what? I think all this is bullshit, I'm fine, I've done my work. All is resolved. Thank you for your help". The therapist stood up from her chair and walked to me, reclining until her face was in front of my face. She kissed me on the lips and said "Yes, you are right".
This dream is quite similar in meaning to another dream I had before. The subconscious creates a "judge" to which you reveal yourself, and then the judge accepts it. During my walk I found myself in a different, more confident state.
I encountered three women carrying surfboards on their heads, I guess they thought I didn't speak English because, as we were negotiating our way in the narrow sidewalk, one of them said:
"I still don't understand why they do this".
"Do what?", another asked.
"Walk", she replied.
"Ah, walking the camino, well..."
Their voices trailed off before I could hear the answer, but it felt as a placeholder for me to complete: why do I walk? I've told different people different things:
- There is nothing to walk about anymore, it's about the pleasure.
- To find the inspiration necessary for creative work.
- To say goodbye to Spain, because I'll be leaving for Mexico soon and I don't know if I'll be able to come back.
But in the end I walk because I thirst for it. I may justify the thirst with a reason, but its basis is not rational. The thirst is sated at a certain point, last year I perceived satiation at around kilometer one thousand, and I haven't been counting but I think I'm around the same amount again.
There is nothing special when this happens, it's a Forest Gump moment: "I feel pretty tired now, I want to go home". I'm not going directly back home, but changing the route for a camino called "Camino Lebaniego", and coming back to Madrid in five days.
I'll cease writing until then.