I'm back at home in Madrid. I tried writing during the flight, but the plane as well as my mind was more cramped than the one on the way to Mexico. I'm tremendously tired, but I'll try to stay awake until a reasonable hour so that I can get my schedule in order as soon as I can.
I've been resenting my sister. I lent her money for her to get out of debt with the bank. Then she got into debt again and I started resenting how careless she is with money. I can be generous because I'm frugal, and when you see your sister splurging on things you don't give to yourself you realize you've been bamboozled. I told her "I don't like resenting how you spend your money, so I'll reframe the money I lent you as a gift to come with mom and your son to Spain, but you must know that once you borrow money from anyone, that person is entitled to have an opinion on how you spend your money, you must be careful with your financial relationships because friends and family are better than banks.
She said "thank you for your gift, but to tell you the truth I thought it had been a gift from the very beginning". My blood boiled: "sister, you made a payment plan and told me this and that, it could not be framed as a gift, you asked explicitly for a loan, check the WA conversation". "No, I believe you". "Well, this should be a wake up call for you" and I lectured her on the importance of financial scrutinity in personal relationships.
The next day she sent me a message that made me even more angry, she said: I explained myself incorrectly yesterday, I did not mean I forgot it was a loan, what I meant was that I had not made an effort in saving to pay you back. Here's the plan to pay you back... I replied that she had understood nothing, she was changing the narrative by the day. By the contents of our conversation it was obvious she had reframed it as a gift, and now she was backtracking by [self?] deceit. "How am I supposed to trust somebody who changes the narrative on a whim? The money I lent you is a gift, end of story. Please realize what you are doing, by changing the narrative you are coming to the wrong conclusion" [that the relationship is healed by repayment].
At the same time I've seen this pattern in myself a thousand times, which is probably why it riles me up so much. Convictions and bargains with myself that I reframe to myself later. Loose threads that spew and never weave into fabric. In Cancún I was speaking with my friend. I told her I would not smoke weed or tobacco when I came back to Madrid, or at least try hard enough. She made an incredulous face. I said "I know, I'm incredulous myself, I've told myself this so many times".
As I was on the flight here I toyed with the idea of getting a strong Indica and sleeping through the afternoon and night to get my schedule in order. But then... here I am, writing with a coffee by my side after having unpacked, gone to the supermarket, put the laundry, and generally catching up with my life back in Madrid and I like this more than lying down in deep relaxation, not caring about anyone or anything, the deep slumber that makes action feel like moving through molasses. And I still have many things to do, godspeed.