It’s 5:00 in the morning and I woke up early because I went to bed early. It’s San Isidro day (the patron saint of Madrid), so it’s a holiday and there’s a lot of festivities. I find it interesting that now I have more inclination towards working rather than attending the festivities. Still, on the weekends I’ve spent working I’ve come back to the office on Monday missing some fun. I tend to overdo stuff, so I either work too much or I party too much. You might say “but just do half and half”, but the enjoyment of a party when I’m thinking about work is nil, and the work I do while thinking about partying is nil too.
Some days ago I thought: how strange that in the big five personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) neuroticism is a trait. Rather than being its own trait, it seems to me that it’s a modulator of the other four traits. An example with the help of Claude:
| O | C | E | A | Relaxed archetype | Stressed archetype |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| + | + | + | + | The Visionary Leader — builds things and brings people along | The Crusader — same drive, but every setback is an existential threat; leads through urgency and guilt |
| + | + | + | − | The Founder — builds empires, burns bridges | The Tyrant — visionary turned paranoid; loyalty tests, 2am emails, scorched earth |
| + | + | − | + | The Scholar — quietly brilliant, trusted expert | The Anxious Expert — encyclopedic and terrified of being wrong; over-prepares, under-publishes |
| + | + | − | − | The Auteur — uncompromising, makes the masterpiece | The Obsessive — same vision, now a prison; 14 rewrites, can’t ship, alienates collaborators |
| + | − | + | + | The Bohemian — creative, warm, beloved chaos | The Manic Muse — incandescent and exhausting; brilliant Tuesday, in pieces by Friday |
| + | − | + | − | The Provocateur — disruptor, never finishes | The Burnout Genius — same fireworks, now self-destructive; substances, feuds, unfinished masterpieces |
| + | − | − | + | The Dreamer — imaginative, gentle, scattered | The Wounded Romantic — same dreams, now tinged with melancholy; journals, doesn’t act |
| + | − | − | − | The Eccentric — brilliant weirdo on the hill | The Conspiracy Theorist — pattern-rich mind without ballast; sees signal everywhere, trusts no one |
| − | + | + | + | The Pillar — mayor, coach, organizer | The Worried Patriarch — same responsibility, now sleepless; carries everyone’s problems, asks for nothing |
| − | + | + | − | The Operator — pragmatic dealmaker | The Schemer — same pragmatism, now suspicious; double-checks loyalties, plays angles defensively |
| − | + | − | + | The Steward — keeps the family running | The Martyr — same duty, now resentful; serves quietly, accumulates grievances |
| − | + | − | − | The Technician — solves the problem and leaves | The Curmudgeon — same competence, now embittered; “I told you so” as a personality |
| − | − | + | + | The Entertainer — life of the party | The Needy Charmer — same warmth, now insecure; reads every silence as rejection, performs harder |
| − | − | + | − | The Hustler — lives by charm and angles | The Grifter — same hustle, now desperate; burns contacts, always one deal from collapse |
| − | − | − | + | The Comforter — unsung emotional anchor | The Worrier — same gentleness, now anxious; absorbs everyone’s pain, has none of their own outlets |
| − | − | − | − | The Loner — wants to be left alone, and is | The Recluse — same solitude, now defensive; suspicious of contact, fortress mentality |
Hmmmm after producing this I think it’s wrong. Some people do transition into a different personality under stress, but not many. I think neuroticism is correct as a personality trait, and personality traits have a degree of flexibility in each person (hence the existence of “ambiverts”). Steve Jobs could be relaxed or neurotic, Tim Cook seems to be rarely neurotic (inferences of course, not that I would know).
Supposing I would draw my personality in ASCII art with the flexibility aspect, I think I would be like this:
| Openness | |--------▼•| |
| Conscientiousness | |--•••▼•---| |
| Extraversion | |-••▼••••--| |
| Agreeableness | |------•▼•-| |
| Neuroticism | |---▼•••---| |
▼ is where I feel right now, • is where my “personality range” can take me. Despite strongly considering myself an introvert, I observe that my range can take where people think I’m quite extroverted. Certain drugs will move your needle one way or the other, alcohol will increase extraversion and reduce agreeableness, weed probably the opposite with a strong dip con conscientiousness and an increase in openness. I guess this is highly dependent on the individual. Some people chill when drunk, others get hot.
Yesterday I was replying to a casual slack thread among co-workers and I felt eyes on my screen. I looked to my side and saw Mario looking at my screen “what?” I asked. He said “I’ve never seen someone respond to every message with such thought, and you always do it, you stare at the screen and you sweat the words even if it’s something casual, I just vomit out whatever comes to mind”. Mario is a very kind dude and he meant this with honest perplexity I presume.
I shrugged: it’s just the way I write (except when I’m writing things like this where I don’t care too much about getting a point or a joke across). Answering emails and whatsapp messages is kinda grueling, if I were an LLM I’d spawn agents to inspect the possible meanings of the incoming message, the context, the people who will see the message. Etc. For example, Mario commented this when our coworkers in Valencia posted a picture from their new co-working. It was ugly, and the ceilings looked very low. What is the intention of the message? They’re not showing off, it’s probably that whey are now working together instead of remotely. How do I add something without being dishonest but at the same time “adding value” to the conversation. I wanted to comment the ugliness without being an asshole, and the best way to do that is through a joke. “Are you sure that’s not a co-worker for midgets? That ceiling looks way too low”. Then I regretted the “midgets” part and changed it for “little people”. We’re very politically incorrect at the office but I don’t want to be associated with that (unless I’m joking about myself), so that’s why I changed it, and I noticed Mario’s eyes on my screen.
I think I overthink.
I’ll practice being more spontaneous.
I’ll try to not be careful when writing casual messages.
That’s what’s going through my mind at this time, but the solution is not more effort, it’s less:
I won’t think
I be more spontaneous
I’ll cease being careful when writing casual messages.