In my closet I have a stack of hand written journals going back more than ten years. I rarely go back to them, whatever is written is then forgotten. This morning, however, I was rummaging for a sweater in my closet when the 2014 label on the spine of a journal caught my attention. I wonder what I was thinking ten years ago, I thought.
The journal opened with a statement of what would be "my ideal life", so that I could work to design my life in that direction. I smiled. I no longer take this approach to life. My current philosophy is that life lives through me rather than conceiving life as a thing that can be designed.
My ideal life
My ideal life is one where I am in complete control over my environment. Changing it is not time-intensive, because I have help from competent people and money is not an issue.
It is a life where work is effortless, feeling more like leisure than a chore. Work is throughly creative, and the topics of my work are based on my current interests.
My life is free of addictions, there is nothing I need on a daily basis except for sleep and food.
I am able to completely control my schedule and learn at my own pace. It is a life where my passions and instincts act in harmony.
It is a life where my person is not admired, but simply recognized.
I will dissect each statement:
My ideal life is one where I am in complete control over my environment.
A life in which you are in complete control of your environment will not allow for growth and resilience. You would live the life of a farm animal, fed on schedule and free from threat. A good life includes a degree of "the unexpected". Chaos should be welcome but also managed smartly.
It is a life where work is effortless, feeling more like leisure than a chore.
This is a theme in my life which I admit still perplexes me. "Effortless work" seems doable in theory, but impossible in practice. Body training practice has given me some insight: there's always a degree of discomfort in work, embrace the discomfort and you will be rewarded with flow.
Work is throughly creative, and the topics of my work are based on my current interests.
Perhaps I am on to something here which has been obscured by depression (everything seems uninteresting).
My life is free of addictions, there is nothing I need on a daily basis except for sleep and food.
The opposite of addiction is connection (to yourself and to others). The more isolated I am, the more addicted I become.
I am able to completely control my schedule and learn at my own pace.
I would restate this as "I don't need to use a calendar because I can hold my schedule in my head", which has been true for the past couple of years.
It is a life where my passions and instincts act in harmony.
I'm not sure what I meant by this, but I will take a guess: like an artist inspired by a muse, I wanted my sexual energy to channel through my creative endeavours. I now think these energies are not under your control. If you have ever tried to reward and punish yourself for doing or not doing things you will understand this folly. It happens to you rather than making it happen to you.
It is a life where my person is not admired, but simply recognized.
Implicit in this statement is a desire to be admired, yet feeling shame about it. Today I can say I am more concerned with how I feel about myself rather than outer perceptions.
At this stage of development I believed I could "design my life" through control, but experience ultimately made me understand whatever life I tried to design for myself was constrained by the limits of my own beliefs (my ego).
Ultimately what I wished for was an inspired and creative life. As a designer, I tried to implement this with my professional tools, which proved to be inadequate. It is trying to control your life which sucks out the inspiration and creativity out of it. Surrender control and the universe will express its creativity through you.