My depression is finally lifting, like fog dispersed by morning sun. Depression often feels like an "impending sense of doom", whereas now I feel reasonable hope and expectation that things will be OK in my near future.

I had gotten caught up in a cycle of weed abuse. It's difficult to tell whether the cycle caused the depression, or if depression caused the cycle. I also started smoking cigarettes again. I felt a ten year regression in personal development, but this time around I wasn't beating myself up about it. I was looking at myself thinking "this too shall pass". I found refuge in the gym and at yoga, even if I was high.

The foul mood of depression isn't as bad as the beating you give yourself over it. You must perpetually accept and love yourself, even depressed. Especially difficult for me is to accept my dullness, my lack of curiosity, my cynicism. These are things I dislike in other people, thus I also dislike myself when I experience them.

I think people who have experienced major depressive episodes become more empathetic, more humble and more grateful when they come out at the other side. I laughed out loud when a friend told me she had met another friend we have in common "it seems depression suited her well" she remarked. With this she meant her snobbishness and sense of superiority were eroded to the point she had become smooth and easy. One didn't have to tip-toe around her fragile ego because it was already shattered.

People who have looked into the abyss have a depth of character that can't be earned any other way. They are not afraid of discussing death, suicide, or the darker aspects of human psychology. They don't pretend the sun is shining all the time. They embrace the night as well as the day, the thunder storm as well as the placid day.

I sometimes wonder if I am bipolar, because I experience these moods as I experience the waves of the ocean. The stronger the sea pulls me into its depths, the bigger the wave that will spit me out. I've learned that I don't control the waves, they just throw me around. I try to be indifferent to their action, but I admit I prefer to ride the waves rather than to be pulled under with the tow.

Right now I experience myself at the swell, the sea has stopped pulling me in. Something big is building up. I'm ready to ride the wave.