I feel as if I have lost the storyline of my own life. I've been waiting for it to come back, but nothing seems to emerge on its own. I listen to myself and all I hear is "I should do x, I should do y", but then my thoughts are not translated into action. I identify this as depression, when desire for change is accompanied by lethargy and apathy.

Though I feel tempted to list all the things I want to change, and all the ways in which I distract from putting myself into action, I know this is useless. This kind of spiritual ailment is not resolved by addressing the symptoms, it is resolved by listening to yourself.

I ceased listening to myself when I stopped writing. Writing every day is my therapy. It rebuilds my story line, it gives continuity to the myth that is my life (and everyone's life is a myth, which should be understood as both real and unreal).

But, I somehow hold a vague consolation that--when this is over--new and more interesting elements will be added to the narrative. A solid centered ego does not allow new elements come into play, it is protective of its balance. An ego that has been worn down by depression becomes open to new ways of acting and thinking, which is why cults and religions of conversion are full of "rebuilt people".

But this ego is too proud to walk a well traversed road. When I walk these ways, in material and spiritual roads, I grow bored and I look at the map, "oh, I can cut this curve if I just wander into wilderness" I will think. This leads me to unexpected adventures and what I thought was a shortcut inevitably ends up requiring more effort and time than the road. But I wouldn't change any of it, I have no intention of reaching a destination, but rather I walk in a general direction and enjoy the adventures I encounter along the way.

Here I am, rebuilding my storyline by remembering Who Am I.