I sit down to write without an agenda, simply because I haven't written in a couple of days. I'm restless, wanting to advance in my active projects, yet still feeling contrarian forces at work. For example, I have a yoga class at 9am, I must leave in half an hour, yet I find resistance, my body is all banged up from a week of exercise so there's a wish to just chill out. I don't know the honesty of each intention, I can find justification enough to rest as much as to exercise.
I introspect and observe this applies not only to attending yoga at the moment, I want to work on a new game but also give it a rest so that it gets "worked" in the background. I think, what I need to find is some stillness, my mind is hyperactive with contradictory thoughts. I wish to drink more coffee and also take a nap.
My most contradictory thought, one that has been plaguing me lately, is the desire to have a girlfriend, yet remain single. The sensation is that of a stick that burns on both ends, I'm holding the stick by the middle, and it will come to burn me on both sides. At least it is not loneliness or boredom that which makes me desire female companionship, it's a primal desire for sex and also a desire to provide my masculine qualities to the divine feminine, and hopefully obtain some respite from cultivating my female qualities, because this drains me as it does not come naturally.
Lately I've been encountering people who talk and talk and talk. I take the female form of the receptive. I listen, I am empathic, I give compassion. This is what they need, but I'm left drained. I need my energy to place it within the masculine, the action oriented "go get it" person who resides within me.
I don't have enough time to complete these thoughts properly, but I already see a direction in my self-therapy. There is a time for resting, for being receptive, open, empathetic. This time is not it. This is the time of the active, the creative, the thrusting and penetrating power of the masculine.
The price I pay for being balanced in my masculine and feminine energies is that sometimes they will struggle against each other. Something higher than the yin and the yang mediates these energies. It is pure awareness, that which has no beginning and no end.
It is time to leave.