Yesterday I liked writing down my thoughts, I'll write them out again today. They will surely lack some structure, I'm emptying my mind on these pages simply because it helps me clear out useless thought.

Yesterday I squandered a lot of time scrolling through social media. Creating a post on Instagram causes attachment. I posted whatever I wrote and then I went to the gym. I would open my phone to see how many likes it had.

I've seen some girls do this at the gym (or this is what I suspect they do). After a long workout, when they're pumped, they will pose in front of the mirror and take a couple pictures of themselves, then then will jump on the treadmill and start chatting. I could be reading the situation wrong, but what I think happens is that they post it on Instagram or TikTok and then interact with their followers. It is also possible that they simply send it to a lover or friend and begin chatting on WhatsApp.

I frankly love when women pose in front of the mirror. The aesthetics of it is sublime. They will highlight certain aspects of their body, their glutes, their abs, their legs, their arms... I smile a little bit when I see it, I try not to interfere in their private moment with the mirror, for gawking will dissuade them from doing more posing. I do wish I could express admiration in a respectful way... "Que bella!" is what I would probably say, with an honest smile.

The other day I arrived to the yoga studio and an older lady told me I was getting stronger by the day. I said I had gained a lot of weight since I arrived (which came out wrong, I meant muscle mass). Another classmate intervened--"te estás poniendo bien bueno, las cosas como son", which is difficult to translate into English because of cultural differences, but was unequivocal praise for my body. I grinned and also blushed. It was quite a daring thing of her to say that, but it made me wish there was more of it, we tend to misconstrue compliment as harassment and thus we keep our positive opinion about the body to ourselves. If someone performed an amazing feat of mind we wouldn't hesitate in saying "wow you're so smart!".

As I'm writing this I see the analogy is not quite true. If you see someone lifting an inordinate amount of weight you can say "wow, you're so strong!", but one cannot see the mind with your eyes as to say "you're so intelligent!" without observing actionable proof of it.

I notice I'm drifting into useless thought.

I've been looking into non-duality experience and I see myself understand more and more what is meant about it, but I hesitate to write about it because I've only experiences glimpses of it. Perhaps, by writing about these glimpses, I will better work out what it means.

I was listening to Sam Harris, whom I must say I dislike for his reductionistic views and sometimes dissonance between what he preaches and what he practices, but I admit his mind is something else... Listening to him is experiencing his attention, which is laser focused, unwavering, yet calm. Good meditation teachers are like this, they embody their practice and simply listening to them puts you into their own state of mind.

I was biking and listening to him, I observed my breath and the sidewalk I rode on, the noises of the street, the movement of my legs on the bike, they all became a single stream of attention. Harris had said previously that people will often say things like "running is my meditation" or "playing the guitar is my meditation" but that--if they do not meditate, they don't know what they are talking about. They are experiencing flow states, but they are not meditating. However, once you know how to get to this non-dual state, you can indeed meditate while biking, or while playing the guitar. And at that moment I knew what he meant, if only I experienced a taste of it, because soon after I worried I might run over someone on the sidewalk because of my altered state, and I looked ahead and lost the unity of subject and object, of observer and the observed, but I came back to it and enjoyed it a little bit more, before having to navigate the streets and watch over the cars and such, which causes me to go into a flow state because my attention becomes entirely attuned to the environment but I am not the environment.

Later in the day I listened to Rupert Spira, who explained that our nature is happiness, that it is always in the background, obscured by our emotions. I understood what he meant, the happiness that is in the background is not an emotion as such. Emotions are fleeting, but the non-dual experience is accompanied by a serenity, the silence is happiness, it has a taste, the one taste. These things can't be fully explained in words and thus I have much difficulty expressing them, but I'm actually surprised I am able to at least convey some of the experience.

I feel like I've written enough for today. Writing without attachment indeed frees the mind of junk, unfortunately this means that the junk goes into my blog, and if I continue writing like this, my blog will become a dumpster of random thoughts. But sometimes I come back to what I have written and I find it interesting. I seem to be an ego that has pulled a thread from himself and is unravelling. When this process is complete I will have nothing to write about, or perhaps I will write from the point of view of unity with everything, I will "download" whatever comes to me and instead of writing about egoic exploits I will be better equipped to tune into the miraculous.

I am not what I think.