Last week we moved into a new office. We've outgrown the office space we were leasing, and now we got our own office in the residential-posh neighborhood of El Viso. Our MVP office currently consists of 12 standing desks (actually 6 double standing desks) and 20 office chairs and four cabinets. There's a pile of cardboard and plastic in a corner of the room I'm writing this, because we did our own moving and set-up.
I had never worked at a standing desk. I had placed my laptop up to standing level, but that proved uncomfortable without an external keyboard. So far I've been working more time standing up rather than sitting down. I'm loving it. If my lower back gets strained, I slightly bend my knees and tuck my butt, and I'm constantly, very slightly shifting my weight from one foot to the other while keeping my head in the same place, it's my shoulders that raise and fall millimeters. Then I might draw circles with my navel in almost imperceptible movements (or so I think, I guess I'd be called out by my younger co-workers who seem to call out any deviation from the norm, it's interesting to note how we become tolerant or even endeared towards quirks in others).
I'm probably spending 70-80% of my workday standing up and I'm loving it.
I think I may go crazy for my want for sex, and my unwillingness to compromise on anything to get it. As it stands now, I ought to pay for it. But I'm certain this would take me towards an unhealthy path. A couchsurfing guest had taken that route, and was coming out of a long-term relationship with young woman in Thailand and was now madly in love with a Brazilian prostitute who lived in Portugal. He expressed it succinctly: "I met a cool woman who was my age, but I was not interested because I was not attracted to her because I'm not turned on by women of my age anymore". He would also provide sex to a woman who was in a relationship whose husband liked to play cuck.
On paper he seemed to have the kind of sexual experiences I'm yearning for, but hearing it was very useful to understand this is ersatz sexual relationship. People do not get laid with you for who you are, but for what you provide. They are not attracted to you, but they want something from you. And I find all of this so contradictory, wanting to have sex without attachment but also that I am wanted and desired, I must admit it's immature to think in these terms. I'm reminded of the female fantasy of the rebel tough guy who rides a motorcycle, yet is a caring and sensitive guy with his lady. I want contradictory things which will only bring me disappointment.
If I am to make a choice, I'd rather compromise on my sense of freedom rather than having sex with someone who doesn't actually want to have sex with me, but is having it in exchange for something else. So, to calm down my urges I'll put these constraints in place: keep things honest and don't pay or play questionable games.
Yesterday V. came for lunch. She gifted me "Letters from Italy" by Goethe. I smiled. She has been inviting me to Rome since forever, and this was her way of seducing me into it. I said this explicitly: "you're trying to seduce me into going to Rome with you, I accept your seduction, but I can't tell if it will work yet". I pain writing this immediately after what I wrote before, but now I know what it's like to be on the other side of a friendzone.
I find her ways with me very gentle and considered, accommodating to a fault. She's never said no to an invitation, and she's never rescheduled, and she's always on time with me but not with other people. This is also useful to observe from my end, as I adopt this kind of behavior when I like a girl a lot. But for whatever reason it's comfortable but not effective at creating attraction.
My other friend (who is also a friend in common) insists that I should keep at a distance, that accepting invitations to remote places such as Rome or Canary Islands alone with her is violating the boundaries of a normal friendship, and that by accepting this I will hurt her when I get into a relationship. Sigh, these boundaries are difficult to navigate, I enjoy spending time with her and at the same time I know she's crushing on me.
I gave her "A Brief Theory of Everything" by Ken Wilber. I read it a long time ago and I thought it might resonate with her. This book exchange came unplanned, a week ago I told her "I bought you a book, it's on its way" and she said "oh, that's surprising, I bought you a book too, and it's on its way too".
And so here we are.