Again, I'm at home waiting for the cable guy to finish the installation. Yesterday he tried snaking the fiber cable through some tubes that seemingly entered into a store at the front of the building which was closed. And he said he needed a second co-worker to come with him to finish the installation.
On Monday I went to a Twerk class, which I liked a lot. I also signed up for a weekly workshop during July about sensual movement. I'm exploring how to use my body for sex even though I've been celibate for the last... it's been seven months by now. This is not unusual according to my standards, as of late about three years pass between sexual partners. I feel I have ambiguous energy towards sexuality and this puts off most women.
There's a couple of reasons why I'd be ambiguous, and I'm trying to chip away what is under my control right now. The purpose of exploring the body's sexual expression is to chip away the insecurity and replace it with a bit of confidence. It's not like this will resolve everything, but at least I hope it will narrow the gap.
I sometimes call myself an incel, though I know my involuntary celibacy is due to inner conflict, not anything to do with women or society. I feel as if I had a hurdle inside of me, and to clear it I either need to like the woman a lot, or the woman needs to like me a lot and be very assertive about it (many of my girlfriends have been like this).
I've tried online dating before, but I've always found it a chore without great matches. Still, yesterday I downloaded Bumble and I swiped. I noticed that now that I've committed to this thing with V. I'm less picky, the person needs not to be the full package, but at the same time I notice most women around my age are looking for the full package and I'm wondering how to go about this.
I find a lot of possible traps in this kind of dating if I want to do it ethically. If I were to express what I want, it's sexual-first relationships with emotional availability, temporary in time but not meaningless. For me, it's always been the other way around, the bond has to be there before sex happens, unless I'm drunk, but it's been probably two decades since I've had drunk casual sex.
A solution to this, I've thought, is to set my location in different cities within Spain, and to match with women willing to come and spend the weekend with me. Like couchsurfing hosting, but with a dating app. In fact, the idea came up when I was considering re-opening my couchsurfing profile, but I noticed I was only willing to host women and my intentions were very different from yesteryear.
I'm still figuring all this out. I'm tired of being an incel, but I also want to break away from it ethically and honestly. The purpose is not to "get laid" but to enjoy my sexuality, to give and receive pleasure and also emotional connection, I don't think I can do away with it, for me sexual intimacy will always involve some degree of emotional intimacy. But I also know my main emotional connection—if things turn out how I expect—will be with V. and I must take care of not getting her hurt in the process.
It's complicated. Just like the internet installation in my dwelling, the guys are still trying to figure out how to bring the cable to the box in front of the building.
