This morning I walked dragging my feet. I reserved my train back to Madrid on Saturday, but I'm arriving to Montpellier one day before I expected. On my walk I was regretting this fact, I want to be back home already. This is not the first time a walk goes... meh. I think this happens when I don't connect with other people or with myself.
I carried the beer I bought for my fellow pilgrim, and as I was warming up I decided to drink it, even though it was 9am. "This will cheer me up" I thought as I gulped it down. Along the way I encountered a small lake, pretty much within the city, and I walked around it. It had a small beach and I laid down in the shadow of a tree, passing out in a warm buzz from that single beer.
After a while I was disturbed by noises of kids. I removed the t-shirt I used as a face mask to find myself at the edge of a large group of almost adolescent kids led by what appeared to be their two teachers. I shrugged and tried to put myself back to sleep. It was my right as I was there before them. But I couldn't.
The group of kids gasped and whispered amongst themselves. I sat up and squinted my eyes, they were looking at something... When I was able to focus I saw a girl barely above their age kissing with... I couldn't tell if it was a he or a she as xhe had long hair and a masculine demeanor. I hate to say to say it but I was just as intrigued as these pre-pubescent kids. The couple ended up their passionate kiss, held hands, and walked in our direction. They passed about 10 meters from us and yet we couldn't tell if they were a lesbian or a straight couple. I write "we" because even though I didn't understand the language I understood the intonation.
I decided I had rested enough to resume my walk and I left the beach. On my way out of the park I would encounter the couple walking towards me on a path. I locked eyes with him. He was definitely a dude, but he was so young his masculine features had not developed yet. She was gorgeous and I felt like giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder, but I just smiled at him with a slight tip of my hat. I hope he read my mind that was saying "you lucky bastard take good care of her".
I looked at the map and saw that I would be walking an industrial zone if I were to walk all my way into Montpellier. Instead, I took the tram and decided to walk around downtown, which was the correct decision because Montpellier is beautiful, unlike most of the towns I've encountered along this walk. I was baffled: ruined old buildings, new construction was cheap and often unfinished, weeds growing out of the sidewalk. The ugliest town in Spain was nicer than the prettiest town I saw on this walk.
I arrived to Montpellier in time for lunch. I walked up a street full of restaurants, most foreign. I wondered why is this, if France is well-known for its food. When I encountered the first French restaurant I understood why: it would be 40 euros for me to have lunch there. It's only immigrants willing to work for the slim profits of affordable food. I debated a long time where to have lunch, and after a while I came to the conclusion that I only truly enjoy good food in company, so I sat down at a kebab place which had outdoor seating.
I was utterly unsettled by the beauty I was seeing. A part of it has to do with the inevitable celibacy (read no-fap) that happens in shared dormitories, but I was mesmerized to the point of discomfort. It was an urge not unlike what I feel in the worst of my addictions, honestly not my usual "appreciation of beauty" but a burning desire for possession.
I was telling V. the other day: us guys can have intimidating energy. I know because I've been the recipient of it in younger years. When a man wants you and you can feel he won't respect your boundaries, it's frightening. It's what people call "being a creep". I was being a creep and I wanted to put an end to it, but—by what means?
I made my way to a stairwell along a transited street, sitting down with my spine straight. I thought "I ought to transform whatever energies are happening inside of me into something—anything, rather than this frustration". I looked at the women pass by and I mentally said things to them such as "You are beautiful and also too young for me. I hope you find love and whoever loves you will not only do so for your appearance but whatever qualities you have". Another one "You are in a relationship and you look happy, I hope your boyfriend makes sweet love to you tonight". Another one "You're not that hot but you have something really sexy going on for you, I think you look comfortable in your own skin". Another one "your gait is amazing. You move like a goddess".
At 5pm I walked toward the gite, which is the time when they check-in pilgrims. It's a former abbey of an active church right in downtown. The contrast between my "spiritual" and my "sinful" activities became all the more evident, but I didn't mind it. Somehow I was reminded of Tolstoy's interpretation of "resist no evil", this is an inner war which—even if it's won—will have further insurrections. The only way is to acknowledge, to accept, to allow yourself to feel and to channel it through whatever healthy means you have available.
With this a larger meta-realization became available: the sadness, the disappointment, the dullness of this walk is to be met with acceptance. No war is to be waged against the self or the other.