Yesterday I went with V. to the fertility clinic early in the morning. She was to undergo egg extraction for which they use general anesthesia. Last time they didn't require my semen as they hadn't extracted viable eggs. This time it was different. The nurse came in with a cup and instructed te to deposit there, taking care of not aiming at the walls of the cup.
After this the doctor informed us they were able to extract two usable eggs from the procedure out of a total of four. The doctor said "we will call you if there's any problems" and I confirmed by asking "so no news is good news?", the doctor said yes.
We went to V's house afterwards, at work I took vacations as this procedure requires a bit oversight (and care if required). We had a nap in her bed. I slept soundly as I had barely slept the night before, like last time. We snuggled but didn't cuddle. It's settling naturally into an affectionate relationship without sexual affections, with some flirtations but no action.
At lunchtime V was feeling well enough to go to the bar/restaurant around the corner, but when we arrived it was closed. Many places close in August in Madrid for summer vacations. We walked towards an area with more restaurants and sat down based on the attractiveness of their terrace and what was announced for their menú del día.
As we were having lunch V. told me she wanted to do another two rounds of extraction. I said I would have to think about it. I've been feeling insecure in my job, and though I now realize my willingness to do this has to do with my subjective feeling of stability. I told V. as I deal with my feelings about insecurity and I extrapolate what I feel now into the future, if I were to lose my job while she was pregnant I would go back to Mexico, and I would probably have to downgrade my participation from father to sperm donor.
She said she's always known me to be a nomad, to not worry too much about it. To trust whatever is going to happen. I said I was distressed because I don't want this to happen, but I must admit to the possibility, to myself and to her. In the end she said to me think about it but you only have until Monday, which is when I must let the doctor know I want to go through another two rounds of this.
I said: I already know where this thinking leads, so I better tell you now: if we want to do this, we must accept this possibility. I don't want it to happen, but it will relieve me of my burden if you know about it. She said yes, I accept this possibility, furthermore: it's a possibility that I've already calculated and accepted because of who you are. But I also think the future is uncertain, and I have the sense that what will actually happen is something that we haven't imagined. It's not between not being successful at this, or being successful and you leaving, or being successful and co-parenting as we imagine. It could be anything, and we must account for all possibilities. Indeed.
The waiter came and asked us what we wanted for dessert. What's available? I asked. "Cantaloupe, watermelon, flan or pudding" he answered. I asked for Cantaloupe, V. for watermelon. When the waiter came back, he put a slice of canteloupe in front of me, and a slice of pineapple in front of V. I was about to call the waiter when V. stopped me with a smile "no, pineapple is my favorite, I would have gotten it if I knew they had it". The pineapple looked spectacular, cut lengthwise with the skin still attached side. We looked at each other and grinned because we understood the joke, which we verbalized as "whatever happens might be even better than we expect", and we laughed heartily.