When I first came, the people involved with this affair (my uncle, and two adopted nieces of my grandmother) asked me how long would I stay. I said I would stay until my grandfather’s funeral at the end of June. Soon after moving into the apartment with my grandmother, this date seemed impossible, I’d break before making it.
Well, it was harrowing, a waking nightmare. I’d go to bed asking God that if he didn’t want to take her, that he at least take me so that I would be put out of my misery. I’d have a recurring fantasy where I’d put Saran wrap to her face to asphyxiate her and I felt tremendously guilty about it. Another miserable winter day I was walking over one of the bridges that crosses St. Lawrence river and I surprised myself being strongly drawn to throw myself into it.
But, as spring time approached small buds started appearing in plants and trees. It was still unforgivingly cold, but there was an expectation that nature would blossom again when the time came. My spirit matched the season, and though I was still miserable, I felt hope. My hopes where more about escaping my situation rather than “fixing” it, but fantasies of death, where my grandmother or my own, no longer plagued me.
As the weather warmed up, so did my soul. The weight that I gained eating compulsively melted away, I had more patience (where patience means the ability to meet adversity with positive feelings, rather than the ability to bear negative affect), and currently I’m surprised to find myself thriving even.
My grandfather’s funeral will be three weeks from now, and it is then when I feel my responsibilities here will have been fulfilled. I need more distance from my own situation to write about it, so I am allowing my days to go by without writing about them. But I’m doing good, I’ve learned a lot, and I’m sure this period will make a lot of sense looking back to it.
As of today, I feel a tremendous vital impulse to live my life in full. The date in which I recover my life is exactly three weeks away from today. I am not anxious or even eager for the date, my attention is focused on good closure. I am at peace with myself.