Yesterday I woke up too late for yoga, so I cancelled my class ten minutes before it started at 7am. I was kind of glad because yesterday we moved into a new office, and being a scrappy startup means that we did all the moving and putting together the standing desks and hauling all the chairs up two staircases, so I did well in conserving my energy for the move.
In the evening I met with a friend and her boyfriend for dinner at VIPS. I articulated something that has been in my mind for some time to her: "I love my solitude and celibacy periods, but after a while I get angsty and want to date again, but my intentions are always murky: I want to date but not for too long, without too much commitment, more like a romantic adventure rather than a relationship, and that's difficult to communicate and be open about". She waved my concerns away, every relationship happens step by step and you drop out at your will, she said. They reassured me I am a handsome desirable man and that I would have no problem dating, but yet I sighed and said "I remember my former period in Madrid when I left my job. I was complaining to you about the same thing, but I was insecure at not having my own place or a job. Anybody I'd date would have to be willing to have all our dates at the park or at free activities, and that seemed a tough sell at the time. Well, now I have a job and my own place, and it's still as daunting and as hard as ever".
I also said "I don't want to use dating apps, I want it to happen organically, I just need actionable advice to break through this rust and awkwardness arising from my lack of game". "Well, reach out, be proactive, show interest, attend events" she said. I sighed. I don't like the game "I have a problem, give me a solution so that I can shoot it down", yet my mind was going through those kind of responses.
Instead I said: you are right. I will be more social, and I will reach out more to the people who I like. I'm making things more complicated than they really are.
This morning I went to yoga and I remembered my commitment to strike up conversation with anybody. After class I looked at the bench where we put on our shoes, and it was already full. The teacher was sitting across, on a chest, and he motioned towards me to use the space beside him. I sat down and commented his class: it seems like it's inspired in Rocket yoga right? Yes, well Rocket is also a form of vinyasa... and we conversed about this and more things for a couple of minutes. At this time I feel my only task is to grow comfortable striking up conversations. The conversations themselves don't have any end, but the meta-goal is having the courage to strike up conversation with a woman whom I like, something which terrifies me for no good reason. I sometimes feel something deeper needs to be resolved so that I can free myself from this bubble that encapsulates me, yet at this time I'm simply tapping my encasement so that I test its strength.