It's been two weeks since V. asked me to make an important decision. My feelings towards this decision started by feeling like 60% no / 40% yes; a couple of days later it swayed to the other side: 60% yes / 40% no. At this time the pendulum is in full swing, coming from about 90% yes but now going backwards (perhaps all the way to 90% no and then back?). I still have two weeks to think about it, and I'm waiting for this battle within the self to resolve, but it's the kind of decision I will not second guess myself. Either I'm all in or all out.
I don't want to list all the reasons for and against this decision. It's too difficult to do honestly. I know certain reasons are completely egoistical, but these are valid reasons too. I sometimes think "I won't have any time for myself", and then I think "My growth as a human being will be stunted by remaining childless", and I see both as "me" reasons for and against having children.
I've written several paragraphs which I have then deleted. This is usually a sign of speculative thinking. I'm too early trying to write about this. I haven't consulted this decision with AI, and I don't think I will. The wisdom of this decision is dependent on the context. I've spoken to a couple of friends but it hasn't brought clarity. The specifics of the people involved (V. and myself) are too unique for them to understand. Friends seem too quick to pass judgement ("She wants to retain you" or "If you do it, have a written contract so that there's no misunderstanding").
I'll stop struggling writing this and get back to work.