Every day after lunch I become lethargic and I can barely keep my eyes open. The feeling passes after an hour or so. When I'm a free man (read: unemployed) I will inevitably have an after lunch nap which can last up to two hours. I always indulge in it because I know my productivity will be zero. Right now I've almost finished a flat white coffee and I'm still dozing off.
I'll try to fend off Morpheus by writing today's entry. It's not that it will re-invigorate me, but typing my thoughts is almost effortless by now. My thoughts might jump here and there, right now for example I was thinking about Salvador Dalí. It is said that he would have a nap after lunch by sitting on a chair and holding a spoon between his fingers. As he dozed off, the spoon would slip from his fingers and he would wake up and register what he was hallucinating is his state of semi-sleep.
I remembered a dream from a maniac period when I was programming a game. In the dream I had left my laptop on my chest and my hands on the keyboard, so that I would be able to program while sleeping in my dreams (this didn't happen in real life, of course). I did some really creative stuff in this dream. When I woke up I was slightly disappointed that nothing had been done, of course.
I love my naps. It's when I dream the most. I like the feeling of dozing off and being at the threshold of the sleeping state. I will sometimes hallucinate images, voices at other times. I feel like it's been a long time since I last dreamed. What I dislike the most about abusing weed is the lack of dreams. I haven't smoked in the last few days but the dreams have not come back yet. My thoughts are jumping all over the place. My don't own my attention when I'm in such a state, but so be it. I'm just dumping one word after the other, much like an LLM would do based on its training.
I will try to focus on my breath. I feel a certain coldness in it. I'm listening to typing on the background, and the chatter of my co-workers. My left ear is plugged with ears wax. I haven't been able to remove it because I'm not constant with the treatment. I have problems being constant. I'm glad I don't need any medication on a daily basis. Well, perhaps if I had medication on a daily basis I would be able to attach putting my glycerine drop along with it, but I doubt it.
Oh what a load of crap I'm writing. I could simply select all and delete it. But I won't. I suppose many years away from now I'll be sleepy and I will repeat this experiment to see if my thoughts are different. The other day I was questioning myself: is there any point trying to change at this age? I can only be aware of my training and my traumas, but I'm starting to doubt I can escape them. I would have to retrain myself. Perhaps that's what Ketamine does when they say that it induces neuroplasticity. Do it too much and your brain will melt. I've never tried K, and I'm not all that keen on trying it. In Barcelona I had a friend at the park, a guy from Nepal who smoked weed. I asked him outright: you seem to be an ex-addict of harder drugs, is my intuition correct? and he said yes, I was a heavy user of K. and then he told me his story, or what he thought was his own story, because it was way too far-fetched to have happened in reality, but he told the story with such a conviction that I believe he thought it had been real.
He said a mult-millionaire picked him up from the streets to hire him as his assistant. They would go to the most expensive restaurants and fly on first class all over the world. When COVID came around he didn't want to get vaccinated, so his friend bought a private jet so that they could still fly together. "What happened so that you stop working with him" I asked. He said it was too much stress, he didn't want to do it anymore, so they parted ways. His story was so obviously fake that he wouldn't try to lie with such an implausible story, that's why I think he believed it had really happened.
Anyways, I'm over my sleepy slump. Time to get back to work.