We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Oh man. At first I thought "I have harmed nobody except myself". But, as I look back, I must admit there is some hurt done. Perhaps less than an alcoholic would do. More of omission than of passion. I made my mother worry dearly, but my mother is also mortified by me not wearing a sweater when it's cool outside.
There was this time when my dog died. I was really sad and I indulged in smoking. Moni and George, my friends from Cancún, told me to stay with them and their dogs however long I wanted, it would help in my bereavement. I tend to be not very mindful of other people's limits when I'm high. I over-trimmed a tree in their backyard, George's favorite. I drank a bottle of booze which was not mine. I raided the pantry because of the munchies. I overstayed the time I was welcome (I was there four months). I felt their relief when I was finally gone. Yet, they are still my best friends and we love each other dearly. I know that if I bring this up they will be dismissive. They are that good.
There were cases too, where we had damaged others who were still happily unaware of being hurt. Why, we cried, shouldn't bygones be bygones? Why do we have to think of these people at all? These were some of the ways in which fear conspired with pride to hinder our making a list of all the people we had harmed.
I had a girlfriend from whom I hid my addiction. I told her I had a lot of work to do, and I would only see her during the weekends. I did have a lot of work, but the main reason I stayed home during the weekdays was to have my smoke at home at night in peace. She didn't like this set-up, but hey, I was a dedicated professional so she had to put up with it. She wasn't a good girlfriend either. But, as the PDF states:
The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive. To escape looking at the wrongs we have done another, we resentfully focus on the wrong he has done us. This is especially true if he has, in fact, behaved badly at all. Triumphantly we seize upon his misbehavior as the perfect excuse for minimizing or forgetting our own.
She has initiated contact in the past, and this has proved toxic. I do not intend to reach out to her to apologize, but I acknowledge I did wrong in this case.
I left Barcelona without saying goodbye to René. I already apologized and admitted this was due to weed. This is done.
Six years ago I lived with my roommate and friend Isa. She worried about me and about my isolation. I remember some unfortunate comments I made while high. Again, not respecting limits. She will probably dismiss whatever concerns I have but I will acknowledge it to her.
I leave worst for last. I broke up a five year relationship with a wonderful woman. We got into weed at the same time, together. I was in my mid thirties then. She was pretty dysfunctional (lazy) on weed and I wasn't (yet), so I had to cover for her slack. I didn't want to quit, but I wanted her to quit. It was clear that wouldn't work out, so I broke up with her. After we broke up the dysfunction caught up with me too, in a sort of Attention Deficit Disorder which impeded me from completing any project I embarked on. Ugh, this is not going to be easy to acknowledge to her.
But, perhaps the very worst is illustrated by this passage:
What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others—the kind that make daily living with us as pricing alcoholics difficult and unbearable—could be extended almost indefinitely. When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have cause at home.
In the words of Facundo Cabral:
God put a human being in your care, and that person is you. You must make yourself free and happy. Only then will you be able to share true life with others. Remember Jesus: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Reconcile with yourself, stand in front of the mirror, and realize that the creature you are seeing is God's creation. Decide right now to be happy because happiness is something you acquire, not something that comes from outside. Moreover, happiness is not a right but a duty because if you are not happy, you are making the whole neighborhood miserable.
I have wallowed in self-pity in these pages. To you, I also offer an apology, dear reader.