After work I went to a sensual movement workshop. It is imparted by Sara Garijo, a professional dancer. There were about 28 women, another guy and me. I knew they would ask why we chose to enter this workshop, and I ruminated on an answer for a very long time. There are many layers but I don't want to reveal the deepest ones, the most superficial reasons are the ones I will write about here.
About ten years ago I discovered Biodanza and it quickly became a regular practice. Once per month the people (mostly women) who were preparing to become teachers would have a weekend workshop. Even though I was not preparing to become a teacher they would invite me because they needed more "male energy", and of course I was thrilled to be that for them.
One exercise I particularly remember was to dance sexy to our partner, who would be sitting on the floor. I was paired with a woman whom I liked. She was super chill and friendly, but was a married woman, so it was ideal circumstances for me (the exercise would be engaging but not anxiety inducing because of attachment to outcome).
Anyways, I remember it as one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I turned red and attempted to dance sexy, but it was torture. My partner would encourage me and give me sexy looks back, but I could barely hold eye contact. Ugh, I'm embarrassed just recalling it. I distinctly remember thinking "how strange, I was not educated this way, my parents were super open with their sexuality (to a fault), I know the purpose of this exercise is to be sexy but I feel terribly embarrassed just trying to do it".
I took note of it.
The next embarrassing moment happened in a personal development group here in Madrid, about five years ago. I arrived for the first time to the group, and the facilitator said to me "perhaps it's not a good day for your first time here, we've chosen a difficult exercise", and I said "I love a challenge, bring it on" and she said, "well, we're supposed to perform the most embarrassing or frightful thing in front of the group, but that's the purpose, to work through the embarrassment". "Oh, perfect" I said, I just know what to do.
The group was supposed not to laugh or to express anything, they would just watch with a blank face. A guy passed and started clucking like a chicken, while sticking his elbows in and out as wings. A woman stood in front of the group and sang horribly. Everybody was making a good effort, you could see it in their embarrassment. "I gotta do this again" I thought. So I went in front of the group and did fucking like motions. Oh man I was beetroot red, and the most difficult thing was watching all those blank faces, they didn't even smile or laugh or judge, they looked like mannequins.
So at year 10 I discovered I was horribly embarrassed at trying to be sexy. Five years ago I was still embarrassed, not for trying to be sexy, but for performing sexual motions in public. How did it go today?
Well, I turned a little bit red, but I think I did great. I looked in the eye, I was one of the better pelvis gyrators (years of yoga does wonders) and I touched my body with pleasure while keeping my breathing calm. As I was looking at the women there I wasn't thinking "Oh god please strike me with lightning and end my misery here and now", I was thinking "I would make sweet love to you, and you, and you too". I was very glad to see the progress I've made is real, because I can feel it, yet I haven't put it into practice.
The class ended with a sexy dance choreography which we all did together. It was wonderful. I truly enjoyed it. As I biked back home I was thinking "am I supposed to keep this for myself?" and I truly don't know the answer. There's three more weekly classes to go. Perhaps, and just perhaps, I will share this part of myself, simply because going from zero to something in this regard is very valuable for a lot of people, and perhaps I should package it with this intention. I'm too pumped up to make any decision right now, I'll let it simmer.
Despite ruminating so much I never felt inclined to share anything about the background process that's going inside of me. Part of the seduction process is revealing yourself—your body, your mind, your motives, your fire—progressively. It is in this venue that I tend to disrobe myself too quickly. I'll take this lesson from the real world.