Entry
Today we arrived to Santiago.
I don’t know if I liked this walk or not. I was thinking about it as we were walking. I thought: “I will cherish this memory and regret not being more present once my mother is no longer here, either in mind or in body, but I’ll be glad I did this”. And yet it’s been my most difficult walk, by far.
Ram Dass poignantly said “If you think you are enlightened go spend a week with your family”. There were no fights, no recriminations, no passive aggressive bullshit, but I admit there was a lot jaw clenching, white fists, and deep frowns. I held up a lot of surfacing anger and resentment, and like a bloated gut at the inlaws’, I let it out silently. It stank a bit but hey it could have been much worse.
I always knew the endgame of this was forgiveness, but I also wanted to honour that kid inside me who reclaims being sabotaged and then neglected. My mother never let us eat sweats as kids, but now she has developed a sweet tooth and at times I felt like saying “remember you always told us sugar would rot our brains? Well, desert is denied”, but I somehow negotiated with the fragments within myself a truce… which is easy when it involves Galician cheesecake.
I wanted to get the compostelana for my mother, which is a diploma of sorts given after walking at least 100km. My mother handwaved it away “who cares about that, what is important is spending time together”. I wholeheartedly agree, but this disregard towards completing projects and getting acknowledgement about them has come to bite me bad in my life. I said “No mom, I want us to get it”. This involved a little more effort, instead of taking a long distance bus to Santiago and spend the night there to come back today, we arrived today in the afternoon and took the night train back to Madrid (I’m writing from the train at this very moment).
We got our diplomas, which state we walked around 250Km. This is a lie, because we took three taxis and two buses, totalling around 75Km by vehicle. I’m totally fine with this, my mother is almost 80 now and unaconditioned, I could see her really exhausted at Km 20 so I would aim for 12-17km stages. What was most difficult for me was the pace, taking deliberately slow and short steps required leaning into a kind of walk I’ve never done before.
This morning we took a bus to Lavacolla and then walked 13Km to the cathedral. I said to my mother “first let’s get our diplomas, as that’s the first office to close, then we will have the rest of the time to enjoy the city before we have to take the train”. After picking up our diplomas we went to a luggage storage service and then went to the Cathedral to get some obligatory pictures. We went inside the cathedral to do the traditional hug of Saint James. The altar has a life-size sculpture of Saint James, and a hidden stairwell behind him allows you to hug him from behind. When we were done with the ritual they announced on the loudspeakers to leave the church or sit down for mass, as it would be starting soon.
We were delighted, because we thought we wouldn’t be able to attend mass today (this mass didn’t appear on the schedule, it was a special one because it was the last Sunday of a Jubilee year.
The priest talked about “la sagrada familia” and the example set by Mary and Joseph as a family. A young girl came up to read Sirach. Oh boy I don’t know why I always get what I need on my walks. It was originally read in Spanish, but when I saw the English translation it reads like greek to me, so I asked ChatGPT to modernize the text:
Children who grow in wisdom belong to a community shaped by justice; their way of life is obedience grounded in love.
Listen to your father’s guidance and take it seriously, so that your life may be made secure.
God has given fathers authority over their children and confirmed a mother’s dignity in their eyes.
Those who honor their father make peace with their own faults; those who respect their mother store up something of lasting value.
Anyone who honors their father will find joy in their own children and will be heard when they pray.
Those who respect their father will live a long life; those who obey him bring comfort to their mother.
Whoever reveres the Lord will honor their parents and serve them with the respect owed to those who gave them life.
Honor your father and do not forget the pain your mother endured. Remember: without them, you would not exist. Return to them the care they once gave you.
Take care of your father in his old age; do not cause him sorrow while he is still alive.
Even if his mind weakens, be patient with him; do not treat him with contempt because you are stronger now.
Care for your father will not be forgotten. It will be credited to you as righteousness, and in times of trouble, it will come back to support you.
Abandoning a father brings disgrace, and causing a mother grief places a person under God’s judgment.
I’ve deeply felt into the injustice and neglect done to me, and now I choose to call this part of the work done. Now it’s time to forgive and honour my parents.