Every couple of months I sense a big inner change is coming. It is felt as a strong pull, like the ocean does when a big wave is coming, it sucks all the water and then releases it, rushing forward in a big wave.

Sometimes the sensation fades away without effect. It feels like the wave passed through and I didn't ride it either because of fear of because of lack of skill. Sometimes I ride the wave for a bit but then crash. Other times I ride the wave successfully.

When you wait for a wave there is a split second when the pulling and pushing forces of the ocean come to a standstill, raising you up instead of pushing or pulling you. It is in this split second that fear is heightened: it is too late to pull out of the wave, so it is either riding it or crashing it.

I sense this standstill at this very moment. I'm up high on a big wave, and looking downward is cause of vertigo. The mind always thinks "this is the wave", but the soul knows all too well the real possibility of failure. Failure is the wrong word, for a rider of waves does not fail. He either rides the wave or not, and if he does not ride the wave he simply waits for the next one.