Some days ago I had an abrasive encounter with somebody on Twitter who didn’t like my use of the pronoun “he”. It’s not worth linking or making any drama about it, the event simply lead me to reflect on how we become more inclusive in our language, and also the pitfalls about being abrasive.

The first reaction one has when called out is that of responding to aggression with aggression. Life has given me enough experience to know that this is a mistake, so once the anger dissipates, what do you do? Was I in the wrong? Indeed I was, I agree that beyond our gender lies a human being, and that we shouldn’t assume a “he” or a “she”. I was suggested that I write “they”, but that’s changing semantics: I don’t mean a crowd, I mean a person, and I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman. The specific wording needs to be worked out in context.

But beneath this reflection there’s a resentment for having been called out, a distasteful encounter with the gender police. Should I be younger I would either lash back or shut up and take my resentment to the incel forums.

I consulted these matters with my roommate and friend, a self-described feminist, and she pointed out to the fact that I had only reflected on these topics because there was somebody abrasive. “This kind of behavior is necessary to bring awareness to these topics, without fighting nobody would notice”. Indeed, perhaps policing is necessary.

But is it necessary to assume that a person is a bigot because he uses non-inclusive language? Never assume malice when stupidity will explain it. There are a thousand reasons why you would use non-inclusive language: because you where educated in another generation, because you belong to a different culture where this is not a topic (yet), because you were careless, because you projected yourself onto that “he” or “she”. Because it’s standard English.

“It’s not that much of an issue, you just got slapped in the neck for writing something stupid”. Yes, that’s exactly what happened. Except, I haven’t been slapped on the neck since highschool, and I dislike bullies.

In our struggle to find equality, it seems we have borrowed some of the ugly stuff from each other. Aggressiveness is generally the male way of dealing with things. Yes, women should also feel empowered to be aggressive: it is a tool when used in moderation, but it is also an art to know when to espouse it. As of now, it is deployed an educational method, it’s the teacher that hits the misbehaving student with the ruler.

I think the best thing a human being can do when he encounters these kind of situations is to reflect on what a wise woman would do. The kind of woman who said “surely you are joking, Mr. Feynman” when he said he wanted both milk and lemon in his tea. The kind of response that makes you both notice your mistake and save face. Should she had said “Mr. Feynman, what are you? an idiot?” he would have probably agreed and proceeded to put both milk and lemon in his tea. If you haven’t saved face, you might as well pretend that you did it on purpose.