Last night I met up with V (my ex, now back to friends) for dinner at her place. We have a friend in common who had to travel to Ecuador in order to take her of her father, who is gravely ill at the hospital. V said that she had an appointment with her, but she didn't show up. V tried calling and texting, to no avail. She knew something had happened as this was completely out of the ordinary.

"That's interesting", I told her, "just before biking here I was wondering: what would happen if I was hit by a car and didn't show up?", she said "I would try calling you, of course, but then you wouldn't answer. I would assume an accident, and I would be very anxious but at the same I don't know what I could do!". I shrugged. I didn't have a good answer for that either.

Conversation flowed towards death, but we put a positive twist on it. What would you like your obituary to say? I asked. She fumbled, but after a while she said "that question of the obit got me thinking and I think I have the answer now. I would like it to say: 'she got to know herself so well that she freed herself'. I said "Oh that's an amazing epitaph, I'd be very intrigued if I came across it, even if I didn't know you".

I didn't volunteer what I would like my obituary to say. In truth, I wouldn't even know. Some weeks ago my therapist asked me to articulate some life goals. I argued against them: my life has turned out to be interesting precisely because of the lack of goals. Never would I have imagined having the life I've had, and if anyone asked me at age 20 what I would have liked to do in the next 25 years, I wouldn't be able to come up with a the far-fetched answer than what my life has been. I really appreciate the variety and amount of experience I have gained in my lifetime.

My therapist countered "for a drifting boat, no wind is favorable. When you have a destination, you know when to set sail with favorable wind". This is where the two threads meet:

It is said that you should live your life according to what you would like to read in your own obituary. Without goals my obit was coming out blank. I remembered what was once my favorite chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

Other have more than they need, but I alone have nothing.
I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused.
Other men are clear and bright,
But I alone am dim and weak.
Other men are sharp and clever,
But I alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea.
Without direction, like the restless wind.

Later on I read this is a controversial chapter, because it's the only part of the Tao Te Ching in which the author writes in the first person. It is said that it doesn't belong to the original text, but rather it's the commentary of a later reader.

At night, I came back home and put myself to bed. In the middle of the night I had one of those dreams:

I was loitering somewhere when a drunk Mexican indigenous man appeared. He complained about having lost his donkey. How did you lose it? I asked. The man didn't know, but he said that he would have to buy another one. "Do you have the money?" I asked. "No", he said, "but I can work to get it". "What kind of work do you do?" I asked. "I'm a writer", he said. And I need to drink to inspire myself, so please excuse me, I'm going to the bar.

He stumbled on each step, and I saw the man's behind: there was a full-size donkey printed on the back of his garments, looking directly at me, "ese hombre es un burro" I thought (the man is stupid/a donkey).

When I woke up I immediately knew what it meant: I'm indecisive but cautious and smart when sober. When I'm high/drunk I'm decisive but stupid. The sober man loiters, the drunk man has a destination. The challenge is to become both smart and decisive.

I will give further thought to my obituary so that I know what I want to do with myself.