Yesterday I went to Niagara Falls with my uncle and my aunt. I could not be very present because of certain things on my mind. But the mind is a constant waterfall of thoughts, if it weren't these thoughts, it would be others. I will never be present.
Some thoughts seem to be more persistent that others. As I was on the boat at the foot of the falls, the roaring cascading water, I still thought about my grandmother. I needed to call her for an important reason, yet I didn't want to do it.
Then, later in the evening my sister informed me that someone had broke into my house in Puebla. It had been Óscar, a mentally handicapped friend from the neighborhood. I felt betrayed.
The mind felt bitterness and betrayal in all these circumstances. No good deed goes unpunished. I made dinner for Óscar every day during six months, I took care of my grandmother during six months. I did a good job in both cases. What came back was ugly. I know better than to expect anything in return for a "good deed", yet this disappoints me.
To be honest and candid I feel like a teenager, I want to go into my room and cry. I feel like I've ended my period of good samaritan, I'm not in this world to help others. I've come to this understanding by experience. No good deed goes unpunished.
I'm weary, tired and defeated.
But it is in this state, when you have been worn down to the ground, in which new meaning is conceived. The old must crumble to make way for the new. The new is not designed, it emerges from new circumstances. I will go back to Mexico in a week, and open a new chapter in my life.