Last weekend I hosted two Argentinian sisters. The older sister was in her early thirties, a nomad who worked odd jobs around Europe after obtaining her Italian citizenship, and the younger one was 19, studying university in Argentina. The older one invited her younger sibling to work with her in the UK and then do a European tour. Madrid was their first stop.
They were pleasant and kind guests, but on the last day they were in Madrid they met up with a friend and came back late. If there's an overlap with workdays I prefer to sleep on the living room couch as to not disturb my guests getting up early for work (well, "early" according to tourist standards, which is 8am).
They arrived at midnight, which is not bad. I was already sleeping on the couch, they apologized, I said no problem, you can use the bathroom (which is in the public area) before you go to bed. The older one thought it would be a good idea to have a shower at that time without asking me, ending her deed at 1am.
I'm perfectly fine sleeping 7 hours, but I was fuming and it took me long to fall asleep. Radio ego was on at full volume and its DJ was blasting about how the siblings didn't take my needs into consideration, I sleep on the couch as to not disturb my guests and yet they have no qualms about walking in on their host, yadda yadda.
The next day in the morning I woke up groggy eyed. The older sibling came out of her room and asked me how did I sleep. "Not very well" I said. "Oh, why is that?" she asked. "Well, to tell you the truth it's because you arrived late and then took a long time to get to bed". She made a face of surprise. I said "I'm sorry to be so direct, but I prefer to tell you face to face rather than in a negative review". She apologized profusely with sincerity, but from her reaction I could tell she didn't know she had done something wrong. I was puzzled as to why is this, if I arrived to my hosts' home and he was sleeping on the couch, I would tip-toe my way to the bedroom without even brushing my teeth.
The younger sister came out of the bedroom as we were having this conversation, she said good morning and gave me a hug and apologized herself. I was disarmed by this gesture. I didn't want to give a hard time, I wanted to express my boundaries and perhaps give some feedback about their behavior, because I was their second couchsurfing experience. So I said "apology accepted" and tried to move on.
They were leaving for Palma de Mallorca that same day, and the older sibling said "I hate to do this after this conversation, but I was going to ask you if it was OK to leave some of our luggage here (because I had agreed to host them one night on their way back). I said (with sincerity) I usually don't host two weekends in a row and I had made an exception with you, but now I feel it's important to set my boundaries. I would ask you to please find another host for the day you come back to Madrid. I suppose your plane ticket does not include the luggage you are carrying, I will hold it for you and when you come back you can pick it up, but I won't host you. She was relieved because otherwise it would have been expensive and a hassle.
Throughout the day I was fuming about the situation, but also trying to give it closure. They had already apologized and I had accepted the apology. I had expressed my needs and they agreed to it. I feel we both handled the situation quite well, but I was still fuming.
In the afternoon Sandia sent me a message: would you like to go out for drinks tonight? I'll be leaving soon and this will be my farewell. I was tired but willing.
We went to a cocktail bar with her friend David. We danced to reggaeton and had great fun. It's been greatly instructive meeting Sandia, I had imagined beautiful company changed the way people treated you—a status boost stemming from that validation, but in practice we were treated like any other patron. I'll make one paragraph detour to highlight something:
When I first went to Canada I worked for a small design agency. A co-worker there was young black professional. He dressed smart, was articulate and intelligent, in short he was a normal human being. Why was this so surprising to me? Because—up until then, my perception of black people was completely shaped by media. It is/was very rare to see black people portrayed in media as anything other than thugs and gangsters. Meeting a single example that broke the mold made the stereotype I had in my head come crumbling down.
With Sandia I feel the same thing has happened. In my mind, every beautiful woman was bitchy, haughty, impatient and demeaning. Well, here's a beautiful lady who has broken the mold. I'm no longer a moth circling a candle, thinking I will be burned if I even try speaking to this mesmerizing beauty. Now I look at my beautiful classmates at yoga and notice how I simply assumed they were snobs with no interest in speaking to me (and I think I might appear as that to them, I reject before being rejected as self-preservation mechanism).
I came back home at 1am, the time when the siblings had gone to bed. I went to bed and promptly fell asleep, waking up the next day well rested. I texted the older sister to let her know I had moved her shoes (they had left them outside) and she replied very kindly and apologetically, asking me how I was doing. I answered:
What a lovely message — you did well to enjoy yourselves! No problem about the shoes of course, there was only a 1% chance they weren’t yours and I needed to confirm.
I've been doing well! You know, last night I went out with some friends for a drink and to dance, and I got home at the same time you all finished sleeping the night before. I realized that my mind is my own responsibility, so please don’t give it another thought (nor will I). Enjoy yourselves, and we’ll probably see each other when you’re back. Hugs.
It was here that I got my closure.