There's two threads which are happening simultaneously: my waking life and my dream life. They appear unrelated, though they may knit against each other occasionally. So I will start this entry with the dream life. Last night I had a dream:
I had gone on a date with a woman. She was not particularly enticing or exciting to me, but at the end of the date I walked her home and she invited me up to her apartment. When we arrived there was a couple sleeping on a bed in the living room, my date slipped into the bed with them and invited me to join.
I was hesitant, not sure about what it meant or what I has being invited to. I didn't want to participate in an orgy, but I wanted more intimacy with the woman with whom I had gone on the date. The couple that was already there were affectionate and we all snuggled together, it felt warm and cozy and I liked it.
When I woke up I felt this was related to the dream that I had yesterday, a signal by the subconscious that—given my constraints—perhaps polyamory is an option. This is something I've never even remotely considered.
I had agreed to go with my sister to an early morning yoga practice, and on our way to the studio my sister told me she had dreamt that we were competing in yoga doing the splits, and that she was better than me. This dream arose from our practice the day before, in which she said that her practice was way behind mine, and she regretted her hiatus from yoga because our level would be better matched. I said "well, I like it that way but I must admit you have a better hanummanasana [split] than I do. But I will practice to get better than you—oops, I should have said that, now you will start practicing so that I don't get ahead of you". Indeed, she said proudly, now that I know you will never get ahead of me, wink wink laugh laugh.
I told her my own dream and she offered her own experience in the matter. She said she was 18 (hallucination again, she was 23 or 24 because she met the guy doing an internship in Mexico City after her university studies, but I said nothing). The guy was in his thirties and into the swinger scene. He invited her to a swinger party and was very uncomfortable, simply sitting in the living room not doing anything. "And what did your boyfriend do?" I asked. "He jerked off while looking at a couple fuck". I was disgusted by the image that formed in my mind, it all seemed upside down, they should have left the party minding her discomfort.
In any case, the dream and the conversation made me realize I'm not only after sex, I'm yearning for uncommitted intimacy, and this is something I'm not willing to ask from V. The fact that I want something does not mean that I need it. These are things that emerge as desires from a root cause, which—at this time—I intepret as unfulfilled affectionate and sexual needs accompanied by wanting to avoid getting "tangled up" in a relationship, because I have no faith in a long term relationship.
On Saturday Govi had given a list to my sister about the places nearby Madrid which were worth visiting: Segovia, Toledo, El Pardo, El Escorial, and such. When she went back home she commented this to her partner, and they made up a plan to go to El Escorial, inviting us. She wrote me late into the night and I said yes, of course, thanks for cooking this up.
She said: "we have two places available in our car, why don't you send your mother and your sister with us, and you and V. grab a bus to get there?", I replied this was a great idea. She sent me the link to buy entrances for a guided tour and wrote "please make sure you arrive on time, because if the tour starts before we arrive we lose our tickets", no worries, I'll make sure we all arrive on time, I wrote back.
Despite pleading with my mother and my sister that they please leave the house at 10:15 (around 20 minutes to spare) V. and myself arrived to El Escorial without any sign of them arriving. I already knew what had happened: my family had arrived late.
(to be continued).