Yesterday I met up with J. I first met J. energetically, that is I felt her energy before I spoke or even looked at her. This happened because we practiced next to each other at yoga. We fed off each other's focus during our practice, in the same way someone who is deeply focused studying will help you study better.
After practice I found her sitting in the living room of the studio, drinking tea. I sat down for tea too. She was chatting with a guy who was travelling, his next destination being Banff. J. said that's where they spread her father's ashes and this made a big impression on me, I thought it had happened a long time ago, or that she had done a lot of inner work about it, because I didn't perceive traces of pain in her words as one would expect, but a kind of silent love and yearning.
In our future encounters at the studio she seemed to glow to me and she was friendly. I took this to mean I had to know her better. I was romantically interested in her, of course, she is very beautiful but what really drew me to her was the energy I experienced when we first practiced next to each other. Our exchanges were brief but always meaningful. One day I suggested grabbing a coffee after practice, but I couldn't do it that day, so we would do it next time we ran into each other. She said yes.
We hadn't even sat down for coffee yet when she found a way of letting me know she had a partner. It was clear this meant we were meeting on friendly and not romantic terms. I jokingly let her know my disappointment, but this wasn't an impediment to have a friendly chat. We sat down in the shade of the terrace at a café next to the studio, and the earth seemed to rotate faster than usual because the shade seemingly crept in minutes what it should have covered in hours. Time flew by talking with her.
We turned out to have a lot of things in common. I was immediately infatuated and I struggled a lot of myself to make sense of the events. She didn't have a broken relationship which I was supposed to nudge apart and I was unwilling to be friendzoned, so I wondered: how is it that I felt that energy practicing next to her? How is it that she seems to glow to me? What does this mean? I couldn't make sense of it.
I didn't understand, but I did understand we weren't supposed to have a romantic relationship, at least not at this time. That I had to concede. So next time we met up I let her know I was friendzoning myself (though to her I was already friendzoned, I suppose) because I understood this was not the purpose of us meeting at this time.
J. spoke about her father a lot. She had lost him a year and a half ago, unexpectedly. She spoke of him with such admiration that I couldn't help but think he was a great man, and I'm always interested in the lives of great men. I hope to become one myself in time, and I usually pick up cues from literature but I was happy to pick up cues from her.
After friendzoning myself I would still find myself thinking about J. As a way to divert my attention I would go off on a tangent, thinking about her father. Soon I found myself thinking more about her father than about her. Many questions would pop up. I let J. know I had become very curious about her father. I then understood, it made sense to me, the energetic reason for meeting up was understanding more about this great man.
Yesterday we met up to talk about him. We talked for hours. I think I might have even tired her talking about him because she would go on a tangent and I would bring back the topic to her father. There was no specific insight into why I needed to know more about this man, but I perceive that many of the things she told me will make sense into the future. It already happened in essence, Victor Hugo was a favorite of her father and he helped me navigate the situation at the hostel.
I'm sure I will reference this meeting into the future, which is why I'm writing it down here, so that when I understand how the dots connect I can actually draw the line between them.