Yesterday my grandmother asked me to put cream on her legs, "make sure your hands are dry", she commanded. "I don't do that, grandma", I replied. "You sound like the caregivers when they don't want to do something".
I know very well this dynamic, when she is mad at me and she demands acts of submission. One of the permutations of my sexualized dreams went like this, she asked me to rub cream all over her body to which I conceded and then unwillingly became resignated fondling.
These are archetypical forms best represented in the Hinduist goddess, Kali, a wrathful deity that devours men. Submission does not quench her thirst, it only empowers her to demand more and more from you.
"If you are not my caregiver, then what are you?" she asked. "I'm more like the butler, I answered. "Now c'mon, be serious", she said. "I'm serious grandma, in the six months we've been in the apartment, I've never put cream on your legs".
--"Then what do you do?"
--"I prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner, pick up the plates and wash the dishes. I take care of your schedule and take you to doctor's appointments. I help you clean out shelves and boxes that stress you out. I give you your medication and help you get in and out of bed. I run the errands, get the groceries, file documents and mail, throw out the garbage, receive people at the door, but I do not put cream on your legs".
--"Fine then, I'll do it myself"
She couldn't get the cream out of its tube. I helped and put it on her hands. The frown on her face was as deep as I've seen it. Boy was she mad. "If you just put cream on my feet, I don't understand why you can't put it on my legs". "I do it as a concession grandma, some nights you are very tired, and it's difficult for you to reach your feet, that's when I put cream on your feet. You usually do it yourself, remember?".
My grandmother is mad at me because I will be leaving soon. As I have no authority in this home, I'm not allowed to make any plans regarding her private care. I tried to speak her out of it, but she wants full control, yet is unable to procure the help herself. This makes her anxious, but is still unwilling to relinquish control. My departure date is softer than I made it known to her, but if I give any indication that I'm not leaving until she is fully taken care of, then I will never leave. The drama has to play out in order for things to move forward.
I've learned so much my situation that I can't help look back to former romantic relationships and see the many mistakes that I made. The feminine and the masculine push and pull in a never ending dance. Expecting the feminine to be serene is asking the ocean to remain still, and not learning to swim through the waves is asking to be thrown about and drowned by a furious sea.
After I put my grandmother in bed I knew my mind would be restless. I sat against the headboard and meditated until I felt drowsy. I woke up at 3am with dreams of conflict (not with my grandmother), I went to the living room and meditated again until my mind cleared.
The gifts I'm taking back home are starting to be revealed. This has been preparation for future relationship(s), and its usefulness will be revealed in time.