Gloomy weather, finally. I've been wanting this weather so that I can get some work done. My current task is making an inventory of everything in the apartment, but I look outside the window and I think "it's such a beautiful day" and I go out, grab a bike, and have a small urban adventure.
The days have been marvelous. I've been completely alone, not without ocasional chit chats with strangers, and sometimes I think "I have such a spectacular time alone, I'm not sure I can share this with anyone", because... I've written and deleted different sentences a couple of times, and come to the realization that I'm rationalizing why it's better to be alone rather than having a girlfriend, and if I had a girlfriend I'd be thinking the opposite. Let us put it this way:
I enjoy being. Alone and in company.
It's springtime. Flowers are popping up everywhere. Libido is waking up. The days are becoming longer. Yesterday I was biking downhill, I felt the thrill of the wind blowing against my face, and I thought "Christine, good riddance", then I felt a pang of guilt, as if I had thought something I should not have thought. But I know better than suppress thought, there's a feeling inside of me which is the cause of this, a feeling of freedom now that my grandmother is not here.
So I thought: I did not get this experience because I got rid of Christine, I got this experience because I took care of her. Should I have ended her life I would not have this experience. This is a direct consequence of my actions, a reward so to speak. Karma is more sophisticated than this, all comes around in mysterious ways, but not as straightforward as this, otherwise we'd be going around doing "good things" so that we get "good rewards". The universe does not operate that way. I do not know how the universe operates, all I know is that when I perform a good action and expect something good in return, I'm often disappointed. When I don't expect anything in return, when the action itself is the reward, that's when you are embodying nature and the universe itself.
God does not look at his creation and say "look at everything I've done for you, now adore me!" (despite what some religious zealots might say). The planets revolve around the sun without any effort, water rises to the clouds and pours down the mountain without any effort, I come and do my job making an inventory of the house without any effort.
This is the way of God.