Last night I arrived to Puebla. After trying to get a cab I was informed the payment terminal wasn't working and my sister was available to pick me up, so I waited for her. When she arrived in the Tesla she inherited from dad, she opened the trunk and I put my luggage inside. She turned away without having greeted me, and I grabbed her by the arm so that we would hug. She excused about the oversight. In the backseat my nephew was playing with the phone, I opened the door so that I would hug him too. I couldn't believe I would have gone ungreeted if I hadn't taken the initiative.
When we arrived home my heart sunk: it looked abandoned and greatly uncared for. I took a deep breath and put my stuff in my room. Moisés, a neighbor, wanted to have dinner with us so we went to his house. He introduced his girlfriend, a young woman from Tabasco. They jumped on his motorcycle and we went in the car with my mother. On the way my sister explained that Moisés' girlfriend was just 17 years old. I felt great discomfort and I expressed this, my sister said it was her who wanted to come live with him after a long distance relationship. She had advised him to wait for her to be 18 to do this.
Moisés is the worst person I know. The list of illegal and immoral activities he's been involved in is too distasteful to repeat here. He was my childhood friend but now I can barely stand him. He's the kind of guy who is constantly teasing as if we were teenagers, he's indiscreet and unpleasant.
My sister ordered for all of us as we were sitting down. We ate tacos árabes at La Oriental, a favorite of mine that can't be found outside of Puebla. After dinner the cheque arrived and my sister asked who was going to pay. I looked at her in silence until I made her uncomfortable, and reached for the cheque. "Margaret, I did that on purpose, if you order for a group without consulting that's the implication". She was visibly uncomfortable and said she would have paid if I didn't offer. "Yes, I believe you, but your faux pas is in asking who is going to pay, I would have insisted in paying if you had tried and all would be good. I'm telling you this as a lesson in etiquette".
I came back home and felt immensely tired and depressed. I hugged my mom good night and went into my room, to masturbate to porn (something I haven't done in months). Afterwards I felt guilty and went into a deep slumber. I had various dreams of people being disappointed in me: V, Javier C. are the ones I remember.
In the morning my sister came to pick me up to go to yoga with my father. They have been practicing Ashtanga on their own before work at their office since December. My sister asked me how was I feeling arriving to Mexico, "I feel sad, depressed and even angry at moments" I replied. My sister seemed surprised.
I explained "perhaps I'm doing wrong by identifying with my home, but each time I come back to Mexico I put a great deal of effort into putting the house into good shape. I see this as a kind of inner and outer developmental project. Clearly I've fallen out of sync with my home but I can't help but feel as a failure when I come back. It's in terrible shape and I feel hopeless", I said. "We must scrap any expansion intentions, it's going to be very expensive just renovating what currently exists". My sister said that we have to rent it but that my mother still wants a space to live in it. "It's unrealistic that my mother shares the house with a tenant, she'll be on their heels and her paranoid tendencies will ruin everything". She said she agreed but if she forced my mother out she would be bitter all the time. "Then we must wait for her to pass away", my comment was met with silence. "Sorry for being so callous about this, it's just not realistic that we can invest a large sum of money in the renovation and have mom drive tenants away, I can't see a good outcome from this". My sister insisted she can rent the house as for a modest rent with my mother living in a section. "I don't think that's going to be possible, but you are free to try" I said. She seemed satisfied with this answer, but I now the outcome of this and it will be a great deal of wasted money and effort. It looks like a crack house as it is.
We arrived to my father's office and he greeted me with a long heartfelt hug. He has developed himself out of his Asperger-like tendencies, perhaps much in the same way I'm trying to do now. We went into practice and I was pleasantly surprised to see his practice strong. As I was practicing I felt my mood lift up, and I started thinking about his example. After he left the family he remarried went on to be quite successful, but he kind of left the dysfunctional family behind (still providing for our education and my mother's alimony, I concede). It was between vinyasas that I understood that I was provided everything I needed through my parents: my mother provided unconditional love (but utterly lacking common sense in other aspects) while my father provided resources and was a living example of integrity (but utterly lacking in attention and love).
In the practice I encouraged them to go a bit deeper and further into more challenging asanas, helping them with headstands and arm balances. My sister asked to demonstrate my handstand: I went up on my first try, held it for a significant time, and then smoothly and slowly came down into a chaturanga. There was the creativity of my mother and the dedication of my father.
When we were finished my sister said that my father had asked her for a five minute hug, and that she doubted I would want to do it but she wanted to ask anyways. "Are you crazy? Of course I want to do it!" we agreed it would feel uncomfortably long for all of us so we set a timer. A three way hug of five minutes is strange, the bodies sway and feedback on each other, we had to reposition our feet a couple of times to regain stability. I tried to experience it from the heart by focusing on my breath, I wasn't very successful but I was satisfied with my intention. After we were done I said I was very glad to have come, in the morning I had considered forgoing this practice as we had agreed to have a practice on Sunday. When I left the office I thanked my sister for this, and informed her I was feeling much better.
Today I'm preparing a reception for my extended family in Puebla tomorrow: 35 people are coming and there's much work to do. Godspeed.