It's almost 8am on Saturday. At 5pm I have the tantra workshop. It's a casual thing they named "tantreo", a portmanteau between tantra and "tardeo" (an afternoon party). I notice my aspiration to bring a woman back home, and at the same time my skepticism regarding it, and then the reticence towards writing about it.
The other day at work we were talking about making beds. One coworker said he always did his bed, the other was done by the maid in his family household (still lives with his parents). I said "I never make my bed, what's the point? You'll undo it later at night. However, if I leave the house knowing there's a minimum chance of making it back home with a companion, I'll make my bed. Of course that never happens, but at least my room is tidy".
In the same spirit, I want to pick up my reasonably chaotic home.
I come back after adding a small amount of weed to my hand-rolled cigarette that I smoked outside. Last night I read through my Montreal ordeal, and I read through so many forgotten insights, strongly felt at the time, that have faded away. I wouldn't squander a minute of my free time, I'd envy people reading books in the park, it was a luxury to have free time.
Nowadays the weekends are coveted, but I don't savour them much. I smoke too early, just as is happening now. I try to ignore the feeling of self-recrimination, I think I could get to this subjective sense of relaxation through meditation, but my meditation says "smoke, smoke, smoke".
Right. So the aspiration is to bring someone back home. It feels vacuous. Let's ask why. Oh oh, oversharing alert, but let's go ahead: I'm finding myself alight with desire often, and I'm tempted to pay for sex because of "emotional availability constraints", real or imaginary. But it's not that I do not want to emotionally connect, I want to make love but not be rushed into a relationship, which is what inevitably happens to me.
Why do I rush into relationships? That shall remain in the shadow.
This could be likely to happen: they will sit us in a circle and ask us to introduce ourselves, and state why are we here. How to respond?
"Hola, me llamo Mark y estoy aquí porque me da curiosidad el tantra. Sólo he ido a una sesión introductoria muy light, pero me resonó mucho. Reconozco que, en parte, estoy aquí porque también me gustaría conocer a una mujer con la que pueda poner en práctica lo que aprendo, aunque si entiendo bien el tantra, eso no se busca sino que se reconoce en el encuentro".
Honest I think. I'm glad to be preparing this, but I must also prepare my home, let's get to work.
It's Monday morning already. The tantra thing turned out to be more or less what I expected: holding hands and staring into the eyes of companions I was not attracted to, lots of new age blabbering which I was surprised I didn't recoil at, coming back home alone but without a feeling of dejection. More like a feeling that this way is not the way, yet not knowing which way to take anymore.
But at least the house is clean.