Dreams

A couple of weeks ago, whilst in a state of despair, I had the following dream:

I was in bed with my grandmother Christine. She asked me to fondle her. I was disgusted but I consented to give her pleasure, with resignation. I thought "at least by doing this she is satisfied, she doesn't like anything else I do for her".

The dream repeated itself in later days, in slightly different permutations. Consistent was the sensation of obligation and hopelessness.

Last night the dream changed:

I went into a hotel room to find grandmother Christine. I regretted coming inside, so I turned around to leave. Christine embraced me from behind, and begun rubbing herself against my clothed body. I sneered at her and freed myself from her embrace, leaving her alone in the room.

I've registered my dreams for years. I can't speak for other people, but within myself I know this is a manifestation of a different kind of energy. In my despair I was willing to sacrifice my dignity and my intimacy in exchange for peace. Now I'm not.

I can't articulate exactly what changed, it is subtle. I argue less, I understand her better, and I am more accommodating to her obsessiveness. But I also know when she's asking too much from me, when to call on her bullshit, how to be firm in respecting the little free time that I can obtain from this situation.

At the same time, trees and plants are about to blossom. The spirit feels in sync with nature. I'm patiently waiting for winter to be over, leaves unfurl and things will fall into place to their own accord.