Yesterday I picked up the keys for my new apartment in the suburbs of Madrid (Aluche). The way to V's house was far away, but the path went mostly through parks, so I grabbed a city bike and enjoyed what remained of daylight. When I arrived V was watching a live Zoom broadcast by a spiritual teacher in India. She said "they say she is enlightened, but I wouldn't know anything about that". I looked closely: she seemed like a good person, at ease, and in peace. I thought I didn't and probably couldn't know either, but she transmitted peace and that was perhaps enough.
From V's house we packed a bottle of wine, some olives, limes and a pound of meat; and on our way we got a Margarita pizza to go and ingredients for a salad. It's just a 10 minute walk from her place to my new place. We prepared dinner quickly and sat down to enjoy. We went into the important matters, me asking questions, expressing doubts and hopes, etc.
I said something out loud which I hadn't thought before: "I always tell my sister that she's the most effective oral contraceptive. She speaks about motherhood and co-parenting as if it were a nightmare, always ending the narration with a 'but it's all worth it' and a look of resignation. I think the difference between her situation and mine is that she really wanted a child so she ignored the obvious red flags of the father. In my case, I don't particularly desire a child, but I'm compelled to consider it because of you".
I also warned that even though it would seem to her that my thought process was taking me towards a yes, in reality I was concealing a large part of the arguments that point towards a no. Some of those reasons are very banal, stem from fear, or an unwillingness to grow up, but others I consider important and worth consideration. I offered one of these reasons:
"The therapist strongly recommended committing to at least six years of parenting, for bonding. If I were to leave in the middle of this, it would probably traumatize the child and myself. If it's painful to leave your storyline behind, imagine leaving the storyline of being a father. This is what I fear the most".
We wrapped up dinner and I walked V. back to her house.