Yesterday I went to a Couchsurfing picnic at the park. I was experiencing some social anxiety as I was making my way towards the event. The feeling was subtle, experienced as doubts that I would be able to hold conversations with people, that I would sulk and be disinterested in whatever people had to tell me.
The result was quite the opposite. I chatted with numerous people, and when my attention drifted away because I was being bored, I would find common ground, often by asking a question I learned from h0p3: "When you're not busy earning a living, what do you like to do?". With this, I found common ground for interesting conversations. People often default to details or drama in their jobs, which of course occupies a large part of our waking hours, but is uninteresting to me. I guess the social level-up in this aspect is redirecting the conversation towards what is interesting.
I'll briefly mention the flows of the conversations I had:
When I arrived I sat next to two guys. The first one (Ray) was a Mexican tourist and it was super easy to take it from there given the common ground. He worked for a medical software company which was programmed in Basic and some other old and obscure language, and his value to his employer was in his specialization dealing with this legacy software. He had to leave early, I asked why, and he said he was a fan of rugby and wanted to play with a group in Madrid. I totally understood and encouraged him to leave because it was already late for him and I gave him some pointers on how to get there.
The second guy (name?) had an accent in Spanish which I could not figure out. I commented this to him and he laughed. He's lived all around the world, but he was from Venezuela. He currently works as massuere and I could tell he's the kind of guy that doesn't have a fixed career, doing whatever it takes to earn a living. He lived in Canada and we spoke about the cultural differences between Latin America, Canada and Spain. He disliked the Canadian/Anglo way (strangers will rarely help you but they will also mind their own business). As a latino it's jarring to feel so socially isolated.
A Chinese lady (Yi) who was obviously a high performing and intelligent person. I noticed by the amount of detail she put into the things she did, like trying to game social media algorithms and details about how she ran. I think intelligence is a bit like visual acuity, more intelligent people see more detail in reality. Her Spanish name was "Carmen" but her name was "Yi" and her last name was "Tao", I asked her if she was a follower of the Tao and she said yes, kinda, she was a Chi Kung practitioner but not as good as her boyfriend. She proudly showed me a photo of him: a handsome Spanish man dressed in traditional Chinese garments in one of those graceful Chi Kung poses.
A guy from Moldova (Sasho) who had lived in London 20 years before moving to Madrid because his girlfriend of 11 years wanted to come. He had an executive position within the development team of a luxury/celebrity hospitality company. This is the only guy with whom I felt I could actually be friends, because of his vibe and the way we held conversation. He was not only interesting but interested.
An Argentinian guy (Mauro) who worked with Sasho and was an architect within the same development team. He liked electronic music and raves, obviously into psychedelics though he didn't say so. He had a tendency in conversation of coming back to "everything which is wrong with the world", which I acknowledged but also pointed out how wonderful it is to meet strangers in the park for a picnic. I like people who are doing something about the state of the world rather than perpetually complaining it, even though I may agree.
Jesús, another Mexican guy who had been travelling 60 days through Europe going from an electronic music festival to the next. Like my couchsurfing guest he had been to Boom festival and it was a good connection point in conversation. He had the appearance of a drug dealer and he could have been one given that he gracefully avoided telling me what he did for a living.
Mago, a pedantic photographer who wouldn't stop talking about his work and showing the photos he made for a living. He chose "alternative" topics and people, because in his own words "they are fresh trending topics but there's not enough stock photos about it yet". A lady who took the brunt of his narcissistic soliloquio later grabbed me by the arm and said to me "let's talk about anything, I just want to get him off my back with his pictures and models and shit". He would then go on to a new victim to do the same thing. He was a truly exhausting person.
Aysun, the lady whom entertained the photographer for nearly three hours. Half turkish and half bulgarian, she worked as a receptionist for a hotel. She liked dancing. She didn't say this but she likes drinking beer. We liked each other I think.
Handy. We had met once before, and when we greeted he asked if I remembered him "Oh of course I remember, you're the dude from Indonesia who studies computer science at the complutense"—"Oh it's amazing that you remember" he said. I was left a little bit flustered, what do you mean? People don't generally remember conversations? Maybe I converse so little with people that I remember all my conversations?
Another lady from Bolivia whom I met before but I don't remember her name. She was also studying a doctorate degree, in economics. She was very busy finishing her thesis, and on both occasions she gave the same reason for attending the event "I really should be home working on my theses, but I also now I need to go out once in a while or I'll go crazy". She has this paused and careful way of speaking words, like she doesn't want to articulate anything inaccurate. I like this about her.
A very serious woman who acted like the organizer of the event (telling us where to put the things we brought to the picnic, calling to our attention that beer was illegal and we should drink it discreetly). She came to me and asked me where I was from, "take a guess" I said with a friendly smile. She glared back and said "I don't know". Then I knew she didn't like playing games. I asked if she was the organizer and she said no, it's that guy sitting over there, but he's not doing anything so I have to fill in. I said "thank you for filling in, you're doing a great job". Then she lightened up. Still, she asked me how my parents met, I explained that my father was traveling through Mexico when they met. She said "of course, that's because your father is Canadian and your mother is Mexican, it's unlikely to happen if your father was a Mexican in Canada". Slightly racist, slightly sexist, and slightly classist in a single sentence, maam. I raised my eyebrows and said nothing, turning to speak with another person.
A fellow from Argentina who had been living in Madrid for 20 years. He worked in a catering company that brought argentinian asados to events. He explained that he didn't do the grill work, he was more like a supervisor/manager. "Ohhh bbq supervisor, that sounds like a dream job" he smiled and said yes it was. I asked him if Argentinians in general identify more with the personality of Europeans or with Latin Americans. He said openly what is taboo: they identify more as Europeans.
Too many words written for an event that didn't merit all this detail, but it's written already! So be it.