Walked: 20 Km.
Dear reader: my self-indulgence and self-absorption is tiresome, even to myself. This is part of the plan. We resolve ourselves so that we can make space for others. I can't listen to you if my own inner voice is drowning what you are saying to me. Please, allow me to become tired of writing about myself so that later on I can think about us.
This text was automatically transcribed via an app and then heavily edited. I provide a clip of original audio so that you can hear me fumble through my thoughts and listen to my voice. But I prefer you don't, really.
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As an experiment I'm transcribing from my own voice by recommendation of two people I greatly admire, one is h0p3 and the other is Javier Cañada, who suggested this five years ago when I was wondering if I could send my laptop back home in order to carry less weight.
This feels like something I should do because I feel uncomfortable using my voice. When I'm typing I can think as I type, but when I'm using my voice I can't think about what am I going to say without pausing. It's like my thought interferes with my speech (or the other way around).
The first person who hired as a designer did so because he read my blog, and he said something that really stroke me in an uncomfortable way. He said, "oh man, if you spoke as you wrote you would take over the world" and even though there is no negativity in this comment, it was painful to hear. I avoid using my voice, I feel very uncomfortable speaking in public, I don't feel I'm good at conversation.
Well actually that's a false belief. People like conversing with me, probably because I tend to listen more than I speak, and I'm more interested in what the other person has to say rather than expressing whatever I have to express. It's when I write that I most express what I have to say.
I'm saying a lot of ums and ahms and using a lot of filler words. I could get rid of them eventually, perhaps I should try this more, get more comfortable with speaking, but at the same time I don't know what to say. It's amazing, my mind goes blank if I start speaking and I think that happens to me when I'm with people too.
It's difficult to think about what to say as you are speaking, whereas if I'm typing I know where to take the stream of thought. I find myself just blabbering into the mic, but I'm glad I'm doing this.
What else can I say, yeah, something came to mind. When I was a kid my father told me that I mumbled a lot, that I didn't speak clearly. He said that a certain Greek orator had overcome this, [Demosthenes], by putting rocks in his mouth and practicing speaking he cured himself from this. My father actually suggested that I try this.
I must have been about 12 years old. I felt hurt by that comment, I didn't find anything wrong with the way I spoke, but this comment, coming from my dad, made me feel like my speech was kind of crappy, or that I had a problem with how I spoke. It just made me speak less, I was already a very quiet kid, and it made me feel inadequate. I don't want to blame my dad on this. Parents sometimes make offhand comments that are hurtful without meaning it. It's impossible for a parent to raise their own children completely free from hurt, but sometimes you get seeds of behaviors planted in you when you're a kid.
I can see how this would turn my need for expression into typing, while avoiding speaking. But, as I'm speaking now, I kind of like it. But I'm gonna have to edit this a lot.
Yesterday, bored while walking, I was practicing going low on the pitch of my voice. I feel like my pitch is too high for my physique, as if with my voice I'm trying to be a nice guy. My body is not trained to produce a deep voice, and it's something I would like to change [high pitch], it's something I would like to change [normal pitch], it's something I would like to change [lower pitch].
Nothing needs to be changed. I sometimes think trying to work on problems directly is not the best way of resolving them, in design as well as in personal development. When you try to resolve something directly, usually you're trying to address a symptom rather than the root cause.
I shouldn't try to lower my pitch, I should try to relax and to take my attention downwards, because right now I can feel myself up in my head. So I can take a couple of deep breaths, relax myself, ah, there it is, now it's easier to go low. I was kind of nervous and I didn' even notice. Oh man, that's amazing.
Instead of trying to change the symptom, you go to the root cause of a high pitch, which is being nervous or tying to appear harmless. You just relax yourself, and then the lower pitch comes naturally. I'm enjoying this.
This way [The Catalan way] is pretty flat and boring, walking through agricultural fields. This morning I was yearning to go into the mountains instead of walking this, but I also feel like the plains have a certain effect on the soul. The environment is boring, so you tend to look inside and you notice your thoughts better. I appreciate this part of the walks, where things get boring, and you can really listen to yourself.
You're not looking at that nice tree, that nice bird, that nice landscape. You're just able to listen to your thoughts, and then once you listen to your thoughts, they become complete and then go away. they don't leave when you don't listen to yourself
I think I should use my voice more, even if this is not very effective and I'll have to edit it a lot. It will help me to express myself in the future. I feel like I don't use my voice enough, I've had long periods where I don't speak to anybody except for the essentials. Like when religous people commit to vows of silence, it's not that they don't speak, they just don't speak idly. If there's not a reason to speak, then you keep silent.
I feel like I'm coming from the other side. My vows need not be of silence but of idle speech. I should try speaking even if it's just for small talk.
We should explore beliefs of ourselves, but in the opposite way. so for example I might identify as a quiet person, but I have never challenged this belief. Did my circumstances in life lead me to become quiet? I could have a great voice, a great conversation, if I just let it flow, if I just allow myself to speak instead of writing all the time.
Today I could notice calling myself an idiot twice (out loud, literally). I will write the instances as self-therapy. You will see they don't amount to much. I don't understand why they emerge and cause so much embarrassment:
Twelve years ago I was living with my girlfriend at the time. Another couple, foreigners who were good friends, were in need of hosting for two weeks while they moved into a new house. We had a spare bedroom with its own bathroom, so we invited them over. One day I went into their bathroom while they were away (my girlfriend was using our bathroom), and I noticed their toilet was clogged because they had thrown toilet paper inside (a common problem in Mexico). No big deal, I unclogged it with a plunger. Later in the day I casually remarked to them it wasn't a good idea to throw toilet paper in the toilet, better put it in the basket. The guy was visibly embarrassed but he didn't say anything. I felt his embarrassment and I regretted bringing it up. End of story.
This memory came up because my trekking shoes were dusty after today's walk, and I wished for a brush to clean them. About eight years ago I made friends with a beautiful Danish girl while walking the camino. She was shy and I had no idea she liked me until her friend told me, on the day she was leaving. We shared a little kiss before her departure. Everything was very sweet and platonic. A couple of weeks later she offered to come to see me. Unprompted, I simped my way through and paid for her plane ticket and planned a trip to Granada with her. While on the trip I told her I had a small gift for her, she said "oh no you shouldn't have bothered" and I said don't worry it's really nothing. I produced a small brush and she made a face between disappointment and wtf. I explained it was useful to brush your shoes and to brush horses while on the camino (friendly horses will come to you if you show them it). She liked horses. Ah, ok thanks. We would walk again together some months later and she didn't bring the brush. End of story