About a week ago I met with V. for the San Isidro festivities at the park. We went on a park ride which looked mild (because V. is frightful but willing to take on a challenge). It looked like a giant metal cage attached to a mechanical arm which would swing in circular motions, while the cage remained upright. We had to wait a while in the queue, and as I was looking at the ride I estimated that the game was not as mild as it looked, judging by the screams of its occupants which eventually drown out from resignation, choosing instead to grasp at the bars and hold themselves as best as they could, looking miserable. My estimation was accurate yet V. took it like a champ, and our initial screams turning into hysterical laughter as we endured the shake-up.
We had a nice pleasant day, and when we were saying goodbye V. said to me "there's something I have to tell you, but it's late now and you have to leave, let's meet up in the week so I can tell you". I initially protested "you can't leave me hanging like this" but quickly I realized that it's not the kind of thing V. would say unless it was very important, so we figured out Friday would be a good time to meet up again.
On Friday we went to a Yin Yoga class at my studio, after that we grabbed food at the supermarket and had a picnic at retiro. A long time passed before she would tell me what she had in mind. "I'm looking at fertility clinics because I want to have a child" she said. This caught be me bit by surprise, but not so much because she had never given a clear answer when we were in a romantic relationship. I guess she accurately estimated that I would run off if she expressed this within our relationship. Then she came to the difficult part: "...and I'm telling you this because I would like to ask you if you would be willing to be the donor or father. I will do it anyways, but I would rather have it from someone I know rather than an anonymous donor".
It took me a couple of seconds to understand, then I said "First of all congratulations on deciding to become a mother. You will make a good mother, I'm sure of that. And I'm flattered that you ask me to be the father. It must have not been easy to come to this decision, or asking me, it's very courageous. What do you have in mind? What is your idea in practical terms?"
"It's up to you" she said. "You can choose to simply be a donor or to co-parent. If I'm willing to get an anonymous donor and do it all myself, I can't ask any more from you". She went into details about what we could do to avoid legal ramifications that would put me on the hook for child support etc. I said "That's the least of my concerns. I trust you and we would work something out. Whom I distrust is myself: my income and my presence are often not steady, and I see how it's possible that in the future I simply wander off, disappear for years. I also don't know how I will be on the other side of parenthood, I might as well go the opposite way being hyperfocused on our child and his well being".
In the end I asked for some time to think about it. "How much" she asked. Six months, I said. "Six months! I don't have six months" she answered. "You're right, we're both 45 now, we don't have six months. Let it be one month".
The weekend passed and I can't stop thinking about it. It sways between soft yes and soft no. What I've cleared up to myself so far is that I would not be able to be "a donor" and keep myself out of the life of a child whom I know is my offspring. At the same time, it scares me to think I might be an avoidant or unwilling parent. The most important thing is the child's well-being.
I have no doubt V. will be a great mother. I'm not sure about myself (because of my inconsistency and possible over-bearing attention). I will consult with my therapist and use all the time available to think. This is an important decision.