It's 9am on Sunday. Yesterday I went with V. to a reggaeton afternoon club party, the kind of place I use to go alone to dance and I often feel awkward. This time it was awkward in a different way. V. was too... intense. I found myself containing and managing her advances despite explicitness about my boundaries, "no we can't go there" I would say "why not?" she would ask.
I could not be honest with her, and I debate whether I should be honest here, because I claim to be hungry yet I refuse to eat when I have the chance. It seems I don't have the courage or the stupidity to confess here so I'll leave it at that.
With alcohol she was overly enthusiastic about plans together, she proposed like five trips, asked when we were coming to dance again, what are we going to do tomorrow, "hold on hold on one day at a time" I said. All in all it was nice to share dancing with her and wishing to do it more, yet cautious as to not raise the settled dust.
It's 9:30am on Monday and I'm at the office. I had my early morning practice with Nidia, a Colombian teacher whom I hold in good esteem. She is a small, wiry forty-something who seems to put a lot of thought into her sequences which she changes every month and themes it with some topics of her own cooking, this month she chose self-love.
To me it's interesting to observe, because I have another young teacher, the influencer type, who does something similar but whose ego is overly inflated, and the same dynamic that Nidia does irritates me when it's done by this younger teacher. They are both demanding and might admonish us for not listening carefully to instructions, but the experienced teacher gives instructions that you can't reproach, while the younger one gives incomplete instructions and then admonishes you for doing it wrong.
After leaving the class I bought two packs of sliced ham, rolled each of its contents into a taco and downed it with a protein drink. As I walked through the passageways of Recoletos to grab the light rail to work I found myself with an unusual peace. My mind was not blabbering and I could distinctly notice what I was thinking, which struck me as both normal and unusual.
Food for the week, minus lunch on workdays.
Because of my writing system (which I have no inclination to explain) I just lost about 500 words on the Iran situation and the monarchy of Spain. I had written it to counteract the fact that I write about pitiful things with when there's important things going on in the world. I don't regret it because I can summarize it in three phrases:
My opinions are based on scarce information given by untrustable sources (major news media outlets). US bad. Israel bad. Iran bad. Some countries need a benevolent dictator/king to oversee their democracies, otherwise they fall into chaos because their institutions are not mature enough. It was fortunate Spain had a king who disapproved of the 1981 coup-de-etat when it happend
Then I wondered if this was even more idle than my petty writing. At least I can do something about my life, which I can't say about international geopolitics.
Before my family came visiting I paused my couchsurfing requests and have not re-enabled it to this day. On the weekend I wondered if I should re-open it, but it's such a hassle... it's easier to me to see who is searching for a couch and offer it if it seems there will be something to learn or experience with that person. So I saw who was searching for a couch and a beautiful 28yo vegan Brazilian bodybuilder.
By now, after having hosted a young Argentinian sex worker for a week and another similar incident I think I can trust myself to host a young beautiful woman without making a faux pas. I wrote to her:
Hi C.
I'm a 46yo Mexican/Canadian Product Designer working in Madrid. I've hosted for more than 15 years (though sporadically, all positive experiences in both ways I hope). I work at the office Mo-Fri until 8pm or so, weekends I might do something chill like yoga + park to which my guests may join at will.
If you have not found a place to stay I would be glad to host you. I'm particularly interested in your vegan diet as an athlete. I'm a an athletic yogi myself, and I'm looking to reduce my consumption of meat, but I'm having trouble finding good tasty non-bloating sources of vegetable protein. I'm sure I'll get a lot of ideas just by hosting you.
If you already found a good host, that's also great! I see you have other dates in may (for your trip back), but I might be on spring vacations then, so I can't be sure at this time.
Enjoy your European trip looks exciting!
She replied that she was appreciative but had a standing offer, pending a video call to check each other out. If it didn't vibe she'd take me up on my offer.
I was not completely honest though: I'm interested in complementing my sources of protein, but the main reason I offered to host her is because I'm often nervous when around women I'm attracted to, which greatly impedes me from dating people whom I actually like, and I feel this interaction will help me both understand it better and ease into this fear of female beauty. I won't make any move. I am rarely so categorical with my behavior, wanting to leave margin for changing my mind, but this feels important. Having this clear also eases my own nervousness.
It's very uncomfortable writing this, so be it.