I feel as if it were a long time since I last wrote. I will check... It's been a week. Indeed it is. There's much to write about. I will break it down:
Last night my best friend wrote to me: "I remembered that when we were in our twenties I went to Mexico City to attend a Lacrimosa concert with a girl I wanted to bang. I forgot the tickets in Puebla (3-4 hours door to door), and I asked you to bring them to me. My father told me "never let those friends go". I was an asshole too distracted by women".
I answered that I didn't even remember this event, but it made me happy that I would at least give back a little bit of what he has done for me. This friend has been a fixed rock in my life and I always feel like I owe him, but the only thing I can give in return is unquestioned loyalty.
In the middle of our friendship I had to navigate very difficult emotions because our thinking and values started diverging, and I felt as if I was betraying him by disagreeing with his bleak view of life (by not agreeing that his enemies weren't my enemies). But in the end my loyalty towards him runs deeper than our fundamental opinions on life. An even more bleak view on life is that you must let go of your friends because his enemies are not yours.
Yesterday I went to see a room at a shared "chalet" in Madrid. The room was large and it had a private bathroom. There were many pros and cons about this living situation, but my decision not to take it was mostly based on how I felt inside the room: sad.
It had a funky smell, an ugly closet, a stained sofa, a two person jacuzzi which I knew I would never use. I thought I could fix or ignore all these things, but that feeling... I entered and exited the room several times to see what was going on, it was consistent.
"Who lived here before?" I asked. "A guy who didn't quite fit in with us, a mechanic. He was Vox supporter (far right party) and vocal about it. He left suddenly, saying his mother had gotten sick. To tell you the truth we were kinda glad he left".
I don't think anything in this story merited what I felt inside this room. If he had told me the mechanic's girlfriend had overdosed and drowned in the jacuzzi I would have thought that explained how I felt in that room. But there is no reason in justifying inner sensations with imaginary stories. If I hadn't felt sad in that room, I would have taken the room with some reservations.
At the same time I wonder: if the room was nicely decorated and the bathroom didn't have that tacky jacuzzi, yet I still felt sad, would have I dismissed my feelings and taken the room? I think the answer is yes, I still don't trust my feelings enough even though they are generally reliable indicators.
This reminds me of something I heard recently from Iain McGilchrist: people who value reason have more reliable intuitions that those who don't. Every faculty we possess has both an evolutionary and a divine reason of being. Feelings inform reason and vice versa.
On Monday I went to an ashtanga yoga practice with a substitute teacher. I had pained over attending class because usually substitute teachers aren't usually half as good as the regular ones at my studio. When I arrived I saw a young and fit instructor sitting tall in lotus position, meditating. She didn't acknowledge anyone coming in. After a while she stood up, closed the door of the room, and continued meditating. It was already five minutes after class start.
I kinda rolled my eyes, "she's one of those ashtangis who take themselves too seriously" I thought. After a while she opened her eyes, sung the opening mantra and class started. Soon after she came close whispered to me "what's your name?", "Mark" I answered.
After that she put an inordinate amount of attention on my practice, which I strangely liked. When I came out of class I found her at the front desk. We smiled at each other. "Very nice class, thank you" was all I said before leaving.
I was left with a strange crush of sorts, one that is still playing out because I don't know if it's romantic or scholastic. I'm hoping for the second because I have a girlfriend and I do not wish for my life to become a soap opera.
Her next class was yesterday, at 7am. I never go to yoga before work, but I didn't question it. I woke up without an alarm clock at 6am and quickly dressed up, biking to yoga in the chill of the morning. When I arrived to the studio she was cheerful at seeing me "Oh hi Mark!", I answered with a formal "good morning", noticing I didn't even know her name yet.
Again, after the class started she lavished me with attention, this time poking my ego to perk up my practice. I was trying jump backs and jump throughs with all my might and at the end of class there was a puddle of sweat on my mat.
I took a shower at the studio before to work, and when I came out she was chatting with two other students at the entrance. She smiled at me "How did it go Mark? Did you like the class?" "Oh lord, you punished us, in a good way, I loved it". She laughed. "We're grabbing coffee, would you like to join us?". I don't understand why I said that I would have to be at work soon but ok, I guess I didn't want to appear over-eager, but we went to grab coffee.
She asked me how long I had been practicing, "five years" I said "but I feel as if the past two years I have stalled, I need someone who challenges me, like you do". We laughed. "You're not going to substitute after December right? is there anywhere else where you teach classes?", she had just starting giving classes at an expensive gym which didn't have app check-ins so it would be difficult to attend.
We continued chatting about a variety of things, amongst the two of us and also the rest of the table. I expressed a natural charm that only comes to me when I feel both relaxed and engaged. When I finished my coffee I announced to the table it was time for me to leave, it was a pleasure and I hoped to see them at our next practice. "It's next Monday, you must come!" she said. "I'll surely be there", I answered.
At work everything is going fine. I am slow but I'm able to focus all day. Focus is the most important thing for me. It almost has a moral connection: I know I'm on the right path when I'm focused. I could be working at a gun factory and I would be at ease if I were able to focus (though I doubt this would be possible in practice).
I am generally enjoying life, though a bit concerned that my life is too boring (a pattern I see emerging as of late). I wrote and deleted some conclusions which I don't want to spell out, but rest assured I have noticed the path of my stream of thought.