Yesterday I was speaking with another smart friend. I told her about a friend we have in common, a guy around my age who is extremely insecure and in a constant existential crisis. I acknowledged it was probably because I see a lot of him in myself, but I often feel aggressive towards him. I feel like grabbing him by the collar and shaking him: "Just stop thinking and live, goddammit! Live! It is our only duty in life!".
"But that wouldn't do anything for him", she said. "Well, I don't think empathy and understanding would do it either". She conceded. "The most we can offer is company. We won't fix anything through empathy or its opposite", she said.
I was reminded of two polar opposite friends that I am lucky enough to have. If I were to come with a personal problem to them, one of them would offer me consolation and empathy, inadvertently putting me in the victim role. The other would negate my personal problem by boosting my ego, placing me in a hero role. My friend said "I would personally prefer that they make me a hero than a victim". I conceded the same. "But that's not the best thing for us", I said. "What is it then?", she asked.
We are not victims nor heroes. What are we? A bit of both? Should we offer what we think is a fair assessment? "The most we can offer is company", my friend said again. I had to concede.
Today I woke up with a strange crush on my friend, which has persisted throughout the day. We've been friends for years with not even a hint of intimation. I guess if we have a pre-existing friendship it cannot be called a crush. Am I falling in love with my friend? It is utterly strange. I was biking here thinking "oh I wouldn't risk our friendship for a relationship with her". But then I thought "Oh c'mon we're both mature and wise enough to not let a good friendship go to waste".
Today I cancelled my yoga class to go with her to a guitar concert I'm not really interested in. Something strange is going on, indeed.