A couple of interesting things happened yesterday:
Yesterday I wrote to one of my best friends a long letter. Amongst other things I wrote (translated from Spanish):
The idea that I'm ungrateful has been wasting me for some time. It comes several times per day. I will remember someone did something good for me, and instead of being grateful I feel guilt, mainly for disappearing when my friends have been there when I needed them. Then I think "the time will come when I can return the favor..." because right now I don't have money, time, or the emotional capacity to help them. This settles down for me as a debt, but our relationships go beyond the transactional. I'm thinking about you and all my good friends. It's something I'm working on, bit by bit, and this letter is part of it. I'll know the task is complete when I can ask you out of the blue "Hi Moni, how are you? How is X thing going for you?" without a need or motive behind it.
H0p3 has made me note I write as if I were completely alone. I'm not alone, I have very good friends who support me in my journey through life. I don't write about them enough.
Yesterday I went to see the African drummers at the park. Amongst the drummers was an Argentinian fellow who is homeless, whom I met couple of weeks ago. Our initial introduction was brief and he was very drunk.
The next day I saw him sitting on a bench in the park. I approached him and said hello. He apologized for not remembering me. I said it was OK. Our conversation veered towards the difficulties of life, and how we cope with trauma. He's had a very difficult life. One minor difficulty was the fact that his drum had broken. I've been waiting for an instrument to find me again and drums are an obvious choice for someone who enjoys dancing to African beats. So I told him I would buy it from him. He warned me that it was broken, but I said I didn't mind.
Inside my wallet was a 20€ note and a 5€ note. I knew he would take the 5, but I wanted to give him the 20, and that's what I did. He was ecstatic. We then bid farewell as he had to make soap bubbles in order to support himself.
Yesterday I enthusiastically waved at him. He waved back timidly, as if he didn't remember me. It didn't bite me at all, all my life people have had trouble remembering me. After a couple of minutes he stood up, bid farewell to his musician friends, and left. I walked after him to say hello.
"Hey man, how are you? I just wanted to say hello"—"Ahhh now I recognize you, you seemed familiar, you bought the drum from me right? thank you so much, it helped me buy this new drum after I put in some extra money" he said, showing a handsome new drum.
He said "you know, I felt very guilty about selling you that drum, it was broken. I have something for you". I insisted that it was OK, I knew it was broken but it had served me well for laying in bed and playing just with my fingers, very quietly as I was just playing for myself. He insisted that he had something for me.
We went to a kiosk at the center of the park where people practice partner dancing. He pulled a wooden plank from the floor, revealing a compartment where he had stored his stuff. He rummaged among his belongings, eventually pulling out a beautiful wooden drum. I was ecstatic: yes, this is the instrument that has been looking for me! We embraced and wished each other good luck.
Yesterday I felt fed up with my monastic life. "I don't want to get laid, but man do I miss touching and being touched by other people, especially women", I thought. So I went to a latin music event, this time with no intention of dancing alone.
After a gently failed approach, I told myself I was there not to make out with a woman, but to have fun, so it was OK if I just danced with myself tonight. I enjoyed this for a while. Two attractive women had come close to me, I made eye contact with one of them, we smiled and moved sexily. She approached me and introduced herself, giving me her hand. I was a bit embarrassed that it wasn't me who took the initiative. She said "I just wanted to tell you that you dance beautifully, it's obvious that you enjoy it very much and have fun doing it. But I don't want to interrupt you, keep on dancing, me and my friend will be right here if you need anything".
I thought it was a super sweet and considerate thing to say, but I also took it as an indication that she was not interested in dancing with me, so I kept on dancing alone. After a while our eyes would meet again and we flirted, I approached as to dance sexy with her (this was reggaeton all the time), she consented by showing and shaking her bum, and without grinding we danced up close. I gently grabbed her by the waist and caressed her while gyrating, it was super strange, like my hands were being loving and affectionate while my body was saying "I want to fuck you". After the song we got out of our sexy-zone, and I felt as if I had done wrong, that I had gone too far. But she told me "I loved the feeling of your hands on my body, you have a very nice and affectionate energy". This was super strange, as if she had read my mind that I needed some reassurance regarding her boundaries.
I danced for the rest of the night with these two girls. They got tremendously drunk (they weren't initially) and ended up making out with each other. Then they both made out with me. Then one of them started having trouble keeping balance. Other people told us it would be a good idea to get some fresh air. We went outside. One of them vomited in a doorway. The other stumbled like a zombie. I told them I had to get them home, "our boyfriends are home", oops!
I was certain they wouldn't make it home given their state, so I told them I just wanted to make sure they made it back safe, I would escort them back and leave quietly, I promised. They insisted it was OK, they could make it, as drunk people inevitably tell you. Instead of insisting I told them I would just walk them out of the venue.
It was a tremendous amount of work just to get them across the street. Once there, her friend just couldn't keep herself on her feet despite me trying very hard, she would just let herself go like a sack of potatoes. I wondered if it would just be easier to throw her over my shoulder because we weren't making any progress.
Since they both lived together with their boyfriends, I told my new friend "I think it's better if you call both of your boyfriends to come pick you up, your friend is too drunk for me to carry on my own". She called him and was just as gentle with her boyfriend as she was with me "yes darling, sorry for waking you up. You see, we have a situation here, I need you to come pick us up please. Yes, I know I can grab a cab, but we're really in a spot right now. If you can't do it it's OK, I'll just stay here with my friend until she comes into her senses but I will arrive late". Eventually her boyfriend would relent and said he would come pick them up in a couple of minutes. Their home was just 7min away walking, so soon after she hung up I told them I should better leave.
I whispered to her ear some nice words, which I can't really reproduce right now, but it was something like "this means more to me than what is apparent at first sight, I really enjoyed dancing and making out with you, I had a great time and it was what I needed now. I'm glad I met you and your friend tonight, I hope you had a good time as well, but you will probably agree it's not a good idea to meet again". She assented and said some nice words to me too. Then, as I was leaving, she called out to say more nice things to me. I put my hand to my heart, and then blew her a kiss.
Today I have zero regrets, and I hope they feel the same too. Beneath the grinding and the explicitness of it all there was also a tenderness which I think the three of us needed. I hope their hangover (moral and physical) is gentle on them.
Edit: I went through my pockets from my outing last night and I found a piece of gum, which reminded me of the two young gentlemen who approached to offer help. After thanking them, they suggested that we lay her on the side so that she was ready to vomit (it could come later), and gave us half a can of coke and a piece of gum for her to recover. Unfortunately I forgot about it, but I'm savouring it now.