On Friday I had the second session with my therapist. The first one was about two months ago, when I consulted with her about breaking with my girlfriend. At the time I said my avoidant personality had flared up and I could notice myself thinking "break up break up break up" when I was waiting for the green light while in traffic, while shopping, while trying to sleep, while staring the screen at work.
At this time I sought her counsel because I'm experiencing avoidance in ways other than romantic relationships. There's inner conflict where I wish to both leave my job and make things work out, I invited friends to my birthday but at the same time I wanted it to pass unnoticed.
My therapist, whom is an American-Mexican woman residing in Madrid, pointed out to the fact that my avoidant case was probably exacerbated by the fact that I'm a Third Culture Kid , a term which was unknown to me but with which I can identify. "Difficulties with adjusting to adult life: the mixture of influences from the various cultures that the individual has lived can create challenges in developing an identity as well as with a sense of belonging. Feelings of rootlessness and restlessness can make the transition to adulthood a challenging period for TCKs".
Sigh, indeed. It all started in childhood, and then was reinforced by all the moving around I've done throughout my adult life. I feel threatened by belonging, and thus I adopt no group, no ideology, no identity. I was thinking yesterday: perhaps this summer I could go to Montreal and deliver food again. Wait what, you have a nice well-paid job in Madrid what-are-you-thinking about.
I have just begun to scratch the surface with this insight. Even as I reflect on it I feel resistance: "I don't want to leave my nomadic ways. I refuse to believe I will remain in Madrid for the rest of my life. There's so much of the world I don't know yet", but immediately I understand I'm not asking of myself to commit to anything, I just want to cease avoiding. Stop avoiding deeper and more meaningful relationships, not only to people but to the land and to the world at large.