Yesterday, I came back home after spending the weekend with my girlfriend. I thought "I ought cut alcohol from my diet. That's all I need to do to prevent myself from gaining weight". Then I did the laundry and some chores. I sat down to relax. "Well, a beer won't hurt for relaxing", and I drank it and chilled.
Then I went to the park to practice handstands. After that I grabbed a bike and cruised downhill with a beautiful sunset along Parque del Oeste, and then Madrid Río. It was sublime. I had my TED Talks discussion group at 6pm and I arrived 20 minutes early. I thought: "I might as well have a beer before the event to kill time", so I bought one at the convenience store.
I felt a bit of shame thinking "what if someone arrives and sees me drinking a beer?", so I hid in a corner to finish my beer. Then, at the event, I had a glass of wine and thought "this is the last drink I have today", but before I had even finished my wine, I asked the waiter for another beer.
After the event I went with my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant for dinner (the authentic kind), and I got a glass of "Tinto de verano" (wine with soda), even though I intended to ask for water.
Now, I know I'm not an alcoholic (yet). But it is interesting to observe the strange dynamics I have with myself. When I'm most successful at avoiding vice, is not when I have a stronger will, it's when the vice is out of my mind. By telling myself "don't drink alcohol" and the waiter asks what I want to drink, I'm priming myself to ask for an alcoholic beverage.
I know this looks like the beginning of my "alcoholic diaries", but I'm quite certain it's not. Addiction is a hydra: you cut one head off the monster, and others pop out at the unsuspecting hero as he is celebrating victory. But this is not the case (yet), I'm looking at the heads emerge, thinking "wait a minute, cutting heads is not working at all, what do I really need to do to kill this monster?".
